Humorous Quotes from Tom Robbins'
Still Life with Woodpecker

I sense that novel of my dreams is in the Remington SL3 - although it writes much faster than I can spell.

This baby (the Remington SL3 typewriter) speaks electric Shakespeare at the slightest provocation and will rap out a page and a half if you just look at it hard.

There is a similarity between juggling and composing on the typewriter. The trick is, when you spill something, make it look like a part of the act.

Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, responsible and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and immature.

Her surname resembled a line from an optometrist's examination chart.

Society had a crime problem. It hired cops to attack crime. Now society has a cop problem.

Hawaii made the mouth of her soul water.

They'd be no threat to me. I have a black belt in Haiku. And a black vest in the cleaners.

"I'll bet I'm as old as you are."
"I'm older than Sanskrit."
"Well, I was waitress as the Last Supper."
"I'm so old I remember when McDonald's had only sold a hundred burgers."
"You win."

There are essential and inessential insanities. The latter are solar in character, the former are linked to the moon.

Sharks are the criminals of the sea. Dolphins are the outlaws.

She lunched on papaya poo poo or mango mu mu or some other fruity foo foo bursting with overripe tropican vowels.

There are two kinds of people in this world : those who believe there are two kinds of people in this world and those who are smart enough to know better.

He looked at her with that kind of painted-on seriousness that comedians shift into when they get their chance to play Hamlet.

The man and woman firmly shook hands. The solution to the overpopulation problem might rest in such handshakes.

A better world has gotta start somewhere. Why not with you and me?

If you're honest, you sooner or later have to confront your values. Then you're forced to separate what is right from what is merely legal. This puts you metaphysically on the run. America is full of metaphysical outlaws.

They snuggled closer, and when they were as close as they could get without being behind one another, they commenced to kiss again.

This stuff's so fine Julius Caesar called for it with his dying breath. 'A toot, Brutus,' is what he said.

Something has got to hold it together. I'm saying my prayers to Elmer, the Greek god of glue.

"I'll follow him to the ends of the earth," she sobbed. Yes, darling. But the earth doesn't have any ends. Columbus fixed that.

A rabbi's dog could score pork chops in the streets of Tel Aviv easier than Bernard could acquire tequila in King County Jail.

She tried out the chamber pot, although she really had nothing to contribute.

Any half-awake materialist well knows - that which you hold holds you.

The first time that she spread her legs for him it had been like opening her jaws for the dentist.

Funny how we think of romance as always involving two, when the romance of solitude can be ever so much more delicious and intense.

I'll never write another novel on an electric typewriter. I'd rather use a sharp stick and a little pile of dogshit.

It's never too late to have a happy childhood.

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