Humorous Quotes from
Much Ado about Me
By Fred Allen

The first Sunday I sang in the Choir two hundred people changed their religion.

In décor, it was apparent that the office had been done by the same interior decorator who had done the Black Hole of Calcutta.

My arrival in New York created as much commotion as the advent of another flounder at the Fulton Fish Market.

The S.S. Sierra was a ten-thousand-ton vessel. Today, lifeboats bigger than the Sierra are found on the Queen Mary and other luxury liners.

In 1914, nobody in Honolulu knew what a tourist was. Walking down the main street, if you had clothes on, you knew you belonged on the boat that was in the harbor; if you had no clothes on, you were a native.

When our boat, the Sierra, left Honalulu, the natives swam out to see us off and dive for a few final coins. Today, they do not bother to swim along with the departing boats. The natives know that by the time the tourist leaves Honolulu he has no money left to throw.

At lunch and dinner there was always mutton or steak, together with potatoes and vegetables that invariably looked as though they had resented being cooked, and hadn't co-operated in the process.

I used to practice ventriloquism and try to manipulate the dummy in the dressing room; I couldn't throw my voice far enough to get it past my lips.

At Christmas I mailed out a twelve-page pamphlet entitled 'What I Know About Show Business', by Freddy James. When the pamphlet was opened, it was found to contain twelve blank pages.

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children except in self-defense.

She used to be schoolteacher, but she has no class now.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

You can lead a horse to water, but an architect makes his own plans.

The memory, or the appreciation, of an audience was as short-lived as the life span of a butterfly who had died prematurely.

The next day came on schedule, as next days always do.

I was back on the small time, but I was a whale in a goldfish bowl.

My motto has always been "A bird in the hand may soil your sleeve, but as long as you've got the bird in there, you don't have to worry about where your next meal is coming from."

The last time I saw (Frank) Fay he was walking down Lovers' Lane, holding his own hand.

I then explained the baggy suit by saying that I lived in New Rochelle and that the suit had been made for me by a tailor there. That was why the suit looked too large: I was a much bigger man in New Rochelle than I was in New York.

The story has been translated from the language of ancient Greece, way back in B.C., or even before B.C. In "A," I think it was.

Let "X" equal my father's signature.

Aesop once said: "A boy who is fond of scenery should become a stagehand."

Hush little bright line
Don't you cry
You'll be a cliche
Bye and bye.

The encouragement and flattery were gratifying, but the decibels generated from a resounding slap on the back never appeased an empty stomach.

His father was working overtime to enable sundry breweries to stay solvent.

What would you charge to haunt a house?

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