Humorous Quotes from
Motherhood, The Second Oldest Profession
By Erma Bombeck
- I was one of the luckier women who came to motherhood with some experience. I owned a Yorkshire Terrier for three years.
- Immediately following birth, every new mother drags from her bed and awkwardly pulls herself up on the pedestal provided for her.
- I had my baby when they gave you a shot in the hip and you didn’t wake up until the kid was ready to start school.
- If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children’s eyes, they’d flinch and call their attorney.
- I once bragged that I saved a diabetic’s life by throwing my body in front of a Donna Reed rerun.
- Spring was supposed to come to Rochester in April but it couldn’t land because of the snow.
- Everyone I talked to was a recording – the bank, the elevator, your office, the school, a wrong number. You used to be able to call a wrong number and get a person.
- I think I blew it. I talked too much and said too little.
- Girls not knowing about money and figures is a myth. Girls start to outspend boys before puberty – and they manage to maintain this lead until death or an ugly credit manager, whichever comes first.
- Males are born with a closed fist. Girls are born with the left hand cramped in a position of the size of an American Express card.
- Hair can be as long as shabby, and as dirty as it wants to be. It can be braided around the head five times or hang down to the tailbone in a ponytail. . . as long as it’s on someone else’s son.
- All the influential men of the world have had beards, like Moses, Christ, and Burt Reynolds.
- Last year I gave seventy-four phone hours to soliciting baked goods for the Bake-A-Rama. I was named Top Call Girl by the League.
- The minister, in his desperate struggle for an analogy for comfort, said to her three sons sitting rigid in the front row, “Think of your mother as the spirit leaving the body. The shell is here, but the nut is gone."
- Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures, and a couple by habit.
- Other children could watch TV and “waste time.” Wesley could do it and be “curious and searching.” Other kids could shove people out of the way and be “aggressive.” Wesley could do it and be “ambitious.”
- There is possibly no guilt in this world to compare with leaving a sick child with a babysitter. The sitter could be Mother Theresa and you would still feel rotten. There is something about having your child throw up without you that is difficult to live with.
- I once spent more time writing a note of instructions to a babysitter than I did on my first book.
- They were the type of children who would kill both parents and make you feel sorry for them because they were orphans.
- I got so much food spit back in my face when my kids were small, I put windshield wipers on my glasses.
- A lot of things have been done in bed in the name of love . . . but nothing comes close to the traditional Mother’s Day breakfast in bed.
- There will be other Mother’s Days and a parade of gifts that will astound and amaze you, but not one of them will ever measure up to the sound of your children in the kitchen on Mother’s Day whispering, “Don’t you dare bleed on Mom’s breakfast.”
- She has her hands full trying to get David toilet trained. She got him a little potty seat that plays music when he tinkles. It should play ‘The Impossible Dream.’
- All of a sudden, I feel very old and very tired. Maybe when I get to California, the smog, brush fires, floods, and earthquakes will cheer me up.
- I try to be good mother, a loving mother, a considerate mother, who wants to see her children happy. That’s too bad. Shallow and unfeeling is a lot cheaper.
- The question was ludicrous. Does Zsa Zsa Gabor refuse a proposal of marriage?
- That Yankee daughter-in-law of mine doesn’t even trust me to diaper the baby. She said things have changed. The plumbing looked the same to me.
- This book would not be complete without a chapter on my mother, who at this moment is leafing through it to see if she is mentioned.
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