Humorous Quotes attributed to Mark Twain
1835-1910, American Humorist, Writer

Quotes by Abraham Lincoln Adlai Stevenson Al McGuire Albert Camus Albert Einstein Ambrose Bierce Archie Bunker Arnold Palmer Barry Goldwater Benjamin Disraeli Benjamin Franklin Bertrand Russell Bill Cosby Bill Maher Billy Crystal Bob Dylan Bob Hope Brendan Behan Carlyle (Cartoon Kitten) Casey Stengel Charles Barkley Charles Caleb Colton Charles Dickens Charlie Chaplin Chico Marx Danny Kaye Dave Barry Dean Martin Dennis The Menace Dolly Parton Dorothy Parker Douglas Adams Drew Carey Erma Bombeck Ernest Hemingway Finley Peter Dunne Frank Sinatra Frank Zappa Fred Allen Friedrich Nietzsche G K Chesterton Garfield (The Cat) George Bernard Shaw George Burns George Carlin George Mikes George Santayana Golda Meir Grace Allen (Gracie) Groucho Marx H. L. Mencken Harry Truman Heinrich Heine Henny Youngman Henry David Thoreau Henry Miller Henry Ward Beecher Homer Simpson Honore de Balzac Isaac Asimov JRR Tolkien Jack Benny Jack Paar Jay Leno Jean Kerr Jeff Foxworthy Jerome K Jerome Jerry Seinfeld Jimmy Durante John F Kennedy Johnny Carson Jonathan Swift Josh Billings Kin Hubbard Kirk Douglas Lana Turner Laurence Olivier Lenny Bruce Lewis Carroll Lily Tomlin Lord Byron Lyndon Johnson Mae West Marcus T Cicero Mark Twain Mel Brooks Mickey Rooney Miguel De Cervantes Milton Berle Moliere Montaigne Muhammad Ali Napoleon Bonaparte Niels Bohr Noel Coward Ogden Nash Oliver Wendell Holmes Oscar Levant Oscar Wilde P.J O'Rourke Pamela Anderson Pete Rose Phyllis Diller Quentin Crisp Ralph Waldo Emerson Ray Romano Rene Descartes Richard Pryor Rita Mae Brown Rita Rudner Robert Benchley Robert F Kennedy Robert Frost Robert Orben Robin Williams Rodney Dangerfield Ronald Reagan Ross Perot Rudyard Kipling S. J. Perelman Sam Levenson Sammy Davis Jr. Samuel Butler Samuel Goldwyn Samuel Johnson Scott Adams Sherlock Holmes Somerset Maugham Spike Milligan Steven Wright Tallulah Bankhead Tim Allen Tom Robbins Victor Borge Victor Hugo Vince Lombardi Voltaire W C Fields Walter Matthau Will Durant Will Rogers Winston Churchill Woodrow Wilson Woody Allen Yogi Berra Zsa Zsa Gabor

Quotes from Catch 22 by Joseph Heller The Complete Yes Minister Yes Prime Minister (Vol 1) Groucho and Me by Groucho Marx Memoirs of a Mangy Lover by Groucho Marx Dave Barry Talks Back Dave Barry Slept Here Dave Barry's Boogers are my Beat Dave Barry's Bad Habits Dave Barry hits below the beltway Dave Barry is not taking this Sitting Down Dave Barry in Cyberspace Dave Barry's Guide to Marriage and/or Sex Dave Barry's Babies and Other Hazards of Sex Dave Barry's Stay Fit and Healthy until you're Dead Dave Barry's Homes and Other Black Holes Dave Barry Turns Forty Dave Barry Turns Fifty Dave Barry Does Japan Dave Barry is not making this up Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys Dave Barry is from Mars and Venus Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need Three Men in a Boat by Jerome K Jerome Idle Thoughts of an Idle Fellow by Jerome K Jerome Peter Benchley's Q Clearance Woody Allen's Mere Anarchy Woody Allen's Without Feathers Woody Allen's Getting Even Woody Allen's Side Effects Douglas Adams's Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Douglas Adams's Restaurant at the end of the Universe Douglas Adams's Life, The Universe and Everything Douglas Adams's So Long, and Thanks for all the Fish Tom Robbins' Still Life with Woodpecker Tom Robbins' Jitterbug Perfume Tom Robbins' Half Asleep in Frog Pajamas Tom Robbins' Skinny Legs and all Tom Robbins' Another Roadside Attraction Tom Robbins'Wild Ducks Flying Backward P. J. O'Rourke's Modern Manners P. J. O'Rourke's Parliament of Whores P. J. O'Rourke's Give War a Chance P. J. O'Rourke's Peace Kills P. J. O'Rourke's All the Trouble in the World P. J. O'Rourke's Holidays in Hell P. J. O'Rourke's The Bachelor Home Companion George Mikes' How to be an Alien George Mikes' Boomerang George Mikes' The Land of the Rising Yen George Mikes' How to Tango George Mikes' How to Scrape Skies George Mikes' Wisdom for Others George Mikes' Shakespeare and Myself George Mikes' The Spy who died of Boredom George Mikes' The Prophet Motive Erma Bombeck's The Grass is always Greener... Erma Bombeck's If Life is a bowl of cherries... Erma Bombeck's When you look like Passport Photo... Erma Bombeck's Aunt Erma's Cope Book Erma Bombeck's At Wit's End Erma Bombeck's Motherhood, The Second Oldest Profession Erma Bombeck's Just Wait till you children of your own Erma Bombeck's A marriage made in Heaven... Erma Bombeck's All I know about Animal Behavior... Lenny Bruce's How to Talk Dirty and Influence People Drew Carey's Dirty Jokes and Beer Somerset Maugham's Cakes and Ale Bill Cosby's Fatherhood Bill Cosby's Time Flies Bill Cosby's Love and Marriage Bill Cosby's Congratulations! Now What? Patrick McManus's A Fine and Pleasant Misery Patrick McManus's Never Sniff a Gift Fish Patrick McManus's Rubber Legs and White Tail-Hairs George Burns's Gracie George Burns's All My Best Friends George Burns's The Third Time Around George Burns's Living it Up George Burns's Dr. Burn's Prescription for Happiness George Burns's Dear George George Burns's Wisdom of the 90s George Burn's How to live to be 100 or More Jack Benny's Sunday Nights at Seven Bob Hope's My Life in Jokes Bob Hope's Don't Shoot, It's only me Bob Hope's I Never Left Home Bob Hope's I owe Russia $1200 Bob Hope's Confessions of a Hooker Jerry Seinfeld's SeinLanguage Ray Romano's Everything and a Kite Victor Borge's My Favorite Comedies in Music Joan Rivers' The life and hard times of Heidi Abromowitz Frank Zappa's The Real Frank Zappa Book Art Linkletter's Confessions of a Happy Man Tim Allen's Don't Stand too close to a Naked Man Tim Allen's I'm not really here George Carlin's Napalm and Silly Putty George Carlin's When will Jesus bring the Porkchops? Henny Youngman's How do you like me so far Henny Youngman's 400 Traveling Salesmen's Jokes Sam Levenson's Everything but Money Sam Levenson's In One Era and Out the Other Marx Brothers' Duck Soup Marx Brothers' Monkey Business Oscar Levant's A Smattering of Ignorance Allan Sherman's A Gift of Laughter Oliver Wendell Holmes' The Autocrat of the Breafast Table Fred Allen's Much Ado about Me Howard Stern's Miss America Most of the Most of S.J. Perelman Jack Paar's I Kid you not Mickey Rooney's Life is Too Short W.C. Field's Fields for President Carlotta Monti's W.C.Fields and Me Barry Goldwater's Goldwater Dave Berg's My Friend God Bill Maher's New Rules Pamela Anderson's Star Struck Charlie Chaplin's My Autobiography Phyllis Diller's Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse Phyllis Diller's Marriage Manual Joey Adams' Cindy and I Jeff Foxworthy's Big Funny Jeff Foxworthy's You Might be a Redneck Jeff Foxworthy's Games Rednecks Play Jeff Foxworthy's Totally Committed Jean Kerr's Please Don't eat the Daisies Barry Gibbons' If you really want to make God Laugh... Dolly Parton's My Life and Other Unfinished Business Cynthia Heimel's If you can't live without me... Clive James' Falling towards England Kirk Douglas's The Ragman's Son Sir Laurence Olivier's Confessions of an Actor Rohan Candappa's Growing Old Disgracefully The Odd Couple Spooky Movies Goon Shows

Quotes on Advertising Advice Age Air Travel, Airlines, Air Safety etc America / Americans Australia / Australians Babies / Children / Kids Baldness Beauty Bill Gates / Microsoft / Windows Bob Hope California / Hollywood / Beverly Hills Canada / Canadians Cats Cigars / Smoking Communication Computers Crime / Criminals Critics / Criticism Death Democrats and Republicans Diet / Weight Loss Disney World / Dineyland / Epcot Center Doctors / Medical Profession Dogs Drinks / Alcohol Education/Learning England/ The English Fathers / Fatherhood Fatness / Obesity Fools / Foolishness France / The French Friends / Friendship Germans / Germany George Burns God Golf Happiness Humility Insanity / Madness Jack Benny Japan / The Japanese Journalism / Journalists Judges / Juries Kisses/Kissing Laughter Law Lawyers Laziness / Sloth / Indolence Leadership Life Lies/Lying Love Marriage Mistakes Money Mothers / Motherhood Negotiation / Bargaining Neighbors New York Obesity / Fatness Opera Profanity / Swearing Richard Nixon Ronald Reagan Russia / Russians Sex Statistics Stupidity Success Telephones, Answering Machines etc Time / Time Management Truth Vacations War

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