Humorous Quotes from
How do you like me so far
By Henny Youngman
- I just finished filling out my income tax form. Who said you can't get
wounded by a blank?
- The doctor opened the window wide. He said, "Stick your tongue out the window." I said, "What for" He said, "I'm mad at my neighbors."
- Can she talk! She was in Miami, and when she got home, her tongue was sunburned.
- She needed a blood transfusion. We had to give up the idea. Couldn't find a tiger.
- My wife went to the beauty shop and got a mud pack. For two days she looked nice. Then the mud fell off.
- The way she looks in the morning! She ran after the garbage man and said, "Am I too late for the garbage?" He said, "No, jump in."
- One year he went in the breeding business. He tried to cross a rooster with a rooster. You know what he got? A very cross rooster.
- All you married men, want to drive your wives crazy? When you go home, don't talk in your sleep - just grin.
- Things were rough when I was a baby. No talcum powder.
- My father was never home, he was always away drinking booze. He saw a sign saying "Drink Canada Dry." So he went up there.
- Every girl has the right to be ugly, but she abused the privilege.
- I flew my own plane for two years. Then the rubber band broke.
- A woman driver hit a guy and knocked him six feet in the air. Then she sued him for leaving the scene of the accident.
- I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.
- I wouldn't say her bathing suit was skimpy, but I saw more cotton on top of an aspirin bottle.
- Somebody once asked me, "Henny, do you like bathing beauties?" I said, "I don't know, I never bathed any."
- I took my car down to see what I could get for it on a trade-in. One dealer took a look at it and offered me a ball-point pen.
- I took a look at my tires the other day. I've seem more rubber on the end of a pencil.
- I just solved the parking problem. I bought a parked car.
- She puts that mud on her face before going to bed at night. I say,
- If you had your life to live over again, don't do it.
- If I'm not in bed by eleven at night, I go home.
- Two Kangaroos were talking to each other, and one said, "Gee, I hope it doesn't rain today. I just hate it when the children play inside."
- What good is happiness? It can't buy you money.
- The income tax people are very nice. They're letting me keep my own mother.
- My brother-in-law has an allergy. He's allergic to work.
- The traffic was so heavy people were driving bumper to bumper. I pushed in my cigarette lighter and the woman in the car in front of me said, "Ouch!"
- Saw something funny in the paper today. "Father of 14 Shot - Mistaken for Rabbit."
- He said, "I love you terribly." She said, "You certainly do."
- Paying alimony is like having the TV set on after you've fallen asleep.
- My wife used to be a guitar player. She got rid of the guitar and now just picks on me.
- The first part of our marriage was very happy. But then on the way back from the ceremony . . .
- Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today a five-year-old does it.
- I've got a sixteen year old son who is 6'3" until he gets a haircut. Then he's 5'8".
- I have a great house. It's just twenty minutes from the city - by phone.
- Statistics show that every four seconds a woman gives birth to a baby. Our problem is to find this woman and stop her.
- Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
- It was so crowded at Macy's, I rested my elbow on the counter and somebody sold it for $1.98.
- I will never forget my school days. I was teacher's pet. She couldn't afford a dog.
- There's nothing wrong with my wife that a miracle won't cure.
- I just bought a little Italian car. It's called a Mafia. There's a hood
under the hood.
- Just found a labor-saving device - a rich old lady.
- In my house I don't need any long-playing records, not with my wife around.
- Take my wife - please!
- Do you know that Jack Benny and I took lessons from the same teacher? Nero.
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