Humorous Quotes from
My Life in Jokes
By Bob Hope
- My folks were English . . . we were too poor to be British.
- I was able to find my original birth certificate, but it took
three guys to help me get it. Stone tablets are heavy.
- I'm half British, half American. My passport has an eagle with
a tea bag in its beak.
- My father was unemployed for ten years. But finally things
took a turn for the better. He went out on strike.
- I'm very grateful to my father . . . After all, when I was
born, he and Mother took me into their house . . . and I was a total
stranger at the time.
- It took me so long to finish school, I got a B.A. . . .
"Bachelor of Arthritis."
- It's funny how your outlook changes suddenly. One day anyone
who plays with girls is a sissy, and the next day a sissy is anyone who
- My mother wanted me to go to Ohio State. My father just wanted
me to go.
- I used to struggle to make ends meet. I wouldn't have had
anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.
- I worked in vaudeville all summer . . . I made seven thousand
dollars . . . In
- I was paying the spotlight man five bucks to keep me out of
- I time my jokes . . . in fact, this is the tenth time for most
- Everybody who saw my act told me I'd go far . . . The manager
of the theatre told me I'd for far . . . Not only that . . . he stood out in
the road and pointed.
- I play golf every chance I get. The world needs more laughter.
- Take nine strokes off your score. Skip the last hole.
- If golfing is relaxing . . . you're not playing it right.
- This is my fourth visit presenting awards . . . When it comes
to an Oscar, I can dish it out but I just can't take it!
- Before turning over the microphone over to Irving (Berlin),
I'd like to say that right now Berlin is in our Army . . . Let's hope that
it won't be long before our Army is in Berlin!
- A forced landing . . . that's an aviation term meaning,
"Why didn't I go to church last Sunday?"
- England is the place that Churchill visits when he leaves
America. That man travels so much. He's been in Casablanca more than
- We flew over to England by the same route Churchill took. It
was easy. All we had to do was follow the cigar ashes.
- You know what a pub is . . . that's an ashtray with chairs.
- You know what the barracks are - a crap game with a roof.
- A discharge - that's a little piece of paper that changes a
lieutenant's name from "sir" to "stinky".
- I'm really thrilled tonight, because they requested me to keep
appearing before military audiences . . . What I didn't like about it . . .
The request came from civilian audiences.
- Now that the war's over they're going to sell jeeps to the
civilians. What a break for women. Now if they miss a pedestrian on the
sidewalk.. They can go right up the telephone pole after him.
- (Just after World War II) the automobile factories
don't have to worry about salesmen anymore. The customers are so eager, they
just come right in the factory and the workers build a car around them.
- Paramount doesn't mind my doing television shows. In fact,
they insist on it. I think that's a pretty sneaky way to cripple a new
- I can't say enough to you people who went in and bought copies
of my book, Have Tux, Will Travel . . . And I'd like to say plenty to you
people who didn't.
- You'll like this book. It starts out by telling all my good
points, all my achievements, and gives the entire history of my education.
The Second page is good, too.
- You could buy my book in a paperback edition for a dollar, and
in hard covers for $3.50. And for fifty cents extra, I come around to your
house personally and wet your finger while you're turning the pages.
- Jack Benny really liked my book. I know because he called me up
from the library and told me.
- My book is really exciting. It tells the story of a poor,
barefoot boy in Cleveland who was determined to be a comedian regardless of
- How about that vodka. Now I know why they got their sputnik up
first... I'm surprised the whole country isn't up there with it.
- Beatniks are really unconventional. In fact, one beatnik was
thrown out of a coffeehouse because his poem rhymed.
- I love the way he (Elvis) sings, but if he ever gets rid of
the hiccups, he's out of business.
- (About Elvis Presley) And you know those long sideburns of
his? They're there for a reason. They cover up his earplugs . . . He
can't stand his singing either.
- Rock and roll is catching on all over . . . France . . .
England . . . They even have it in Japan, only over there they call it judo.
- The president's wife (Jacqueline Kennedy) just returned from a
shopping trip around the world. It wasn't too successful. She couldn't
decide which country to buy.
- (about a Kennedy visit to Palm Springs) He's visiting all the
underdeveloped areas. Some of the houses there still don't have their own
- Johnson declares war on poverty - "Lights out." When
the prez found out the electric light bill at the White House was running
three thousand dollars a month, he turned out all the lights. Now, it's
running three thousand a month for broken legs.
- I think Lynda Bird deserves a lot of credit for working. She
could have gone into politics.
- Johnson's proposed national budget, $196 billion: It was a
typical Texan's budget. It balances perfectly providing they strike oil
under the White House.
- First it was the "Crickets," now the
"Beatles." I saw a spider this morning and I was afraid to step on
it . . . he might be a star.
- I understand the enemy is very close. But with my act, they
- (at a show in Vietnam) This is a terrible country for a
coward. Can you imagine my not knowing which way to run?
- Colleges sure have change. Today, the three "R"s are
reading, 'riting, and rioting.
- When Charles de Gaulle got upset about the devaluation of the
British pound, he wired Lyndon, "Lower your dollar." Johnson wired
back, "Up your francs."
- The president (Lyndon Johnson) is making a six-nation tour of
Asia . . . he is traveling throughout the Far East to make friends. If it
works, he may try it in this country.
- Lyndon and Lady Bird will be returning to Texas but nothing
will change much. Having herds of cattle is a lot like politics - you have
to watch your step.
- Onassis is a very handsome man but he's only five foot four .
. . twelve foot eight when he's standing on his money.
- Ford is very down-to-earth. He's been president nearly two
months now, and he still swims in the White House pool. Not once has he
tried to walk across it.
- Some people put us down. But I still haven't heard of any
Americans trying to swim across the border into Mexico!
- The Queen has a great sense of humor, which is one reason she
came to Washington. If you want laughs, this is the place to get 'em.
- A lot of the Arabs are upset with Sadat. He has to be careful
every morning now when he starts his camel.
- Somebody should tell Jerry Falwell that God is an Independent
. . . he's not rich enough to be a Republican.
- Did you hear that Gorbachev is insisting that dissenting
opinions be allowed? So from now on, Raisa will let him say whatever he
wants around the house.
- One reason the Communist party is losing out is because people
would rather be fed than red.
- Say, Halley's Comet is coming around again. I didn't know what
all the excitement's about. I've seen it so many times, I'm getting dizzy!
- I was in school the last time Halley's Comet appeared and I
remember a test we had. It said, "A comet is a star with a tail. Name a
famous one." I wrote, "Rin Tin Tin."
- Seventy-six years between visits. I can't wait to see if it
(Halley's Comet) looks the same as it did the first time I saw it.
- It takes Halley's Comet seventy-six years to get here. Big
deal, so does a home-delivered pizza.
- President Reagan sent Senator Lugar to Manila as an observer.
After he got back, he told the president, "I didn't see anything
suspicious when I voted."
- Did you see the picture of President Bush reading a fairy tale
to his grand-children? I think it was called the Federal Budget.
- Did you see President Bush golfing this past week? He likes to
play once in a while. It gives him a chance to swear at something other than
- Boy, the Concorde travels fast. It's like being shot out of a
cannon - first class.
- It's so fast (the Concorde) that they don't have time to lose
- I was born in England . . . no matter how hard England tries
to tell you differently.
- England is my native country. Of course, I don't speak the
- This is my sixtieth year on television with NBC, which proves
that Abraham Lincoln was wrong - you can fool all of the people all the
- Dolores is very Catholic; I'm a comedian by religion.
- I think it is very fitting that I should have a ship named
after me. I've spent most of my golfing life in the water.
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