Humorous Quotes attributed to Johnny Carson
1925- , American Talk Show Host, Comedian

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.

People will pay more to be entertained than educated.

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.

We're more effective than birth control pills.

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Johnny's Bloopers

And now a girl who is one of the bust pepiteers in the business! (While introducing Sheri Lewis)

Here's how to relieve an upsex stomach ... I mean an upsep stomach with Sex Lax ... Ex-lax!

Introducing composer Mac Davis, Johnny credited the musician with having "a dozen songs in the top ten."

Interesting Tales from the Tonight Show

On his first show, Carson was introduced by Groucho Marx; Johnny's first words, reacting to applause as he walked onstage for the first time: "Boy, you would think it was Vice President Nixon."

And on the show tonight, we have five Miss America contestants and some dogs. (Audience Roars) I mean real dogs. (More laughter) Come on now, you know I mean dogs that bark.

Jack Nicholas was being interviewed by Johnny Carson. He asked if there was anything that Mrs. Nicholas did to help her husband. "She kisses my golf balls before every game." And Carson answered, "Doesn't that make your putter flutter?"

Johnny Carson was interviewing some girls who were working in a nightclub that was on strike. Johnny asked, "Why aren't you girls out on the street?" The audience laughed and Johnny hurriedly said, "What I really meant is, why aren't you picketing?"

"The pay isn't right. Besides, Dolores wouldn't want to move to a smaller house." (Bob Hope, when asked on the show, why he had declined to run for President)

Zsa Zsa Gabor guest-starred. She was sitting with a cat in her lap when she said, "Johnny, would you like to pet my pussy?" Johnny reportedly said, "Sure, if you move that damn cat out of the way!'

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