Humorous Quotes attributed to Jerome K Jerome
1859-1927, English Essayist, Humorist, Novelist

An "agreeable person," according to the late Lord Beaconsfield's definition, being "a person who agrees with you." (Idle Thoughts in 1905)

Everything has its drawbacks, as the man said when his mother-in-law died, and they came down upon him for the funeral expenses. (Three Men in a Boat)

Foolish people--when I say "foolish people" in this contemptuous way I mean people who entertain different opinions to mine. (Idle Thoughts of an Idle Fellow)

Give an average baby a fair chance, and if it doesn't do something it oughtn't to a doctor should be called in at once. (Idle Thoughts of an Idle Fellow)

It always does seem to me that I am doing more work than I should do. It is not that I object to the work, mind you; I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. (Three Men in a Boat)

I can't sit still and see another man slaving and working. I want to get up and superintend, and walk round with my hands in my pockets, and tell him what to do. (Three Men in a Boat)

I don't so much mind hearing an old cat swear, but I can't bear to see a mere kitten give way to it. It seems sad in one so young. (Idle Thoughts of an Idle Fellow)

I don't understand German myself. I learned it at school, but forgot every word of it two years after I had left, and have felt much better ever since. (Three Men in a Boat)

I fear we are most of us like Mrs. Poyser's bantam cock, who fancied the sun got up every morning to hear him crow. (Idle Thoughts of an Idle Fellow)

I like to hear a woman speak well of her husband. It is a departure which, in my opinion, should be more encouraged than it is. (The Philosopher's Joke)

I take a great pride in my work; I take it down now and then and dust it. No man keeps his work in a better state of preservation than I do. (Three Men in a Boat)

I yearn for the good old days, when you could go about and tell people what you thought of them with a hatchet and a bow and arrows. (Three Men in a Boat)

Idleness, like kisses, to be sweet must be stolen. (Idle Thoughts of an Idle Fellow)

It is so pleasant to come across people more stupid than ourselves. We love them at once for being so. (Idle Thoughts of an Idle Fellow)

Love is too pure a light to burn long among the noisome gases that we breathe, but before it is choked out we may use it as a torch to ignite the cozy fire of affection. (Idle Thoughts of an Idle Fellow)

"Not sure," he retorted; "you call yourself a journalist, and admit there is a subject under Heaven of which you are not sure!" (The Second Thoughts of an Idle Fellow)

People who have tried it, tell me that a clear conscience makes you very happy and contented; but a full stomach does the business quite as well, and is cheaper, and more easily obtained. (Three Men in a Boat)

Swearing relieves the feelings--that is what swearing does. I explained this to my aunt on one occasion, but it didn't answer with her. She said I had no business to have such feelings. (Idle Thoughts of an Idle Fellow)

Take your own boat - unless, of course, you can take someone else's without any possible danger of being found out. (Three Men in a Boat)

That trout lay shattered into a thousand fragments - I say a thousand, but they may have only been nine hundred. I did not count them. (Three Men in a Boat)

That's Harris all over - so ready to take the burden of everything himself, and put it on the backs of other people. (Three Men in a Boat)

"The artist," remarked Mrs. Camelford, "from what I have seen of him would never know the inside of his shirt from the outside if his wife was not there to take it out of the drawer and put it over his head." (The Philosopher's Joke)

The comic lovers' mission in life is to serve as a sort of "relief" to the misery caused the audience by the other characters in the play. (Stage-Land; Curious Habits and Customs of its Inhabitants)

The weather is like the government--always in the wrong. (Idle Thoughts of an Idle Fellow)

They both sighed, and sat down, with the air of early Christian martyrs trying to make themselves comfortable up against the stake. (Three Men in a Boat)

They (young men of the Middle Ages) occupied them with discussions as to
whose sweetheart was the best looking, the arguments employed on both sides
being battle-axes, clubs, etc. (Idle Thoughts of an Idle Fellow)

What readers ask nowadays in a book is that it should improve, instruct, and elevate. This book wouldn't elevate a cow. (Idle Thoughts of an Idle Fellow)

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