Humorous Quotes from
The Life and Hard Times of Heidi Abromowitz
By Joan Rivers
- You show me a woman with a naturally beautiful body, and I’ll show you a tramp.
- Never put off for tomorrow who you can put out for tonight. ~ Heidi Abromowitz
- Jack, be nimble, Jack, be quick.
That’s fifty dollars for this trick.
~ Heidi Abromowitz
- Obviously she wasn’t going to be Snow White, so they created a role for her. They added an extra dwarf – called Easy.
- I'm telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox.
- Kissed a boy for the first time today. Very disappointing. It’s nothing compared to oral sex. ~ Heidi Abromowitz
- The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. So if you don’t want to stain your skirt, do it on this side. ~ Heidi Abromowitz
- Someone who was into astrology asked her what her sign was, and she said, “Yield!”
- I was more underdeveloped than most third world nations. My training bra had taught me nothing.
- Never get into a car with bucket seats – unless there’s champagne in the buckets. ~ Heidi Abromowitz
- When Heidi had her braces removed, the entire football team sent her orthodontist a thank you note.
- Her legs were apart so often they were pen pals.
- A fool and his money are soon parted – which is why I never go out with a guy whose IQ is over fifty. ~ Heidi Abromowitz
- We’d both decided we were going to give our bodies to the Harvard Medical School – only I was going to wait until I was dead.
- One good turn deserves another . . . and another . . . and another . . . ~ Heidi Abromowitz
- That girl had a great way of making friends, and strangers, and anyone else who was around.
- Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played “Here Comes the Bride,” Heidi did.
- Heidi's Opinion On :
The Women’s Movement
“It’s best from the waist down.”
“Why bother, unless you're being squeezed too tightly?”
“I'm all for it – especially if I'm having more than one guy a night.”
“Could be fun if it’s between consenting adults.”
The Hite Report
“Looking into length would make a more interesting study.”
- She was determined to find out what the “Peter Principle” was all about.
- The last time I visited Heidi she'd already had quite a few husbands, a couple of them her own.
- She was the only person I knew whose idea of a formal evening was putting sheets on the bed.
- Then she showed me her little black book. I thought she was bringing out the Encyclopaedia Britannica!
- I'll lie still for a lot of things - but sex isn't one of them. ~ Heidi Abromowitz
- Better laid than never. ~ Heidi Abromowitz
- She’s been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.
- She’s responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood.
- She’s been in more motel rooms than the Bible.
- She’s been turned more ways than Rubik’s cube.
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