Humorous Quotes from
The Life and Hard Times of Heidi Abromowitz
By Joan Rivers

You show me a woman with a naturally beautiful body, and I’ll show you a tramp.

Never put off for tomorrow who you can put out for tonight. ~ Heidi Abromowitz

Jack, be nimble, Jack, be quick.
That’s fifty dollars for this trick. ~ Heidi Abromowitz

Obviously she wasn’t going to be Snow White, so they created a role for her. They added an extra dwarf – called Easy.

I'm telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox.

Kissed a boy for the first time today. Very disappointing. It’s nothing compared to oral sex. ~ Heidi Abromowitz

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. So if you don’t want to stain your skirt, do it on this side. ~ Heidi Abromowitz

Someone who was into astrology asked her what her sign was, and she said, “Yield!”

I was more underdeveloped than most third world nations. My training bra had taught me nothing.

Never get into a car with bucket seats – unless there’s champagne in the buckets. ~ Heidi Abromowitz

When Heidi had her braces removed, the entire football team sent her orthodontist a thank you note.

Her legs were apart so often they were pen pals.

A fool and his money are soon parted – which is why I never go out with a guy whose IQ is over fifty. ~ Heidi Abromowitz

We’d both decided we were going to give our bodies to the Harvard Medical School – only I was going to wait until I was dead.

One good turn deserves another . . . and another . . . and another . . . ~ Heidi Abromowitz

That girl had a great way of making friends, and strangers, and anyone else who was around.

Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played “Here Comes the Bride,” Heidi did.

Heidi's Opinion On :

The Women’s Movement
“It’s best from the waist down.”

Arms Control
“Why bother, unless you're being squeezed too tightly?”

Energy Conservation
“I'm all for it – especially if I'm having more than one guy a night.”

Police Brutality
“Could be fun if it’s between consenting adults.”

The Hite Report
“Looking into length would make a more interesting study.”

She was determined to find out what the “Peter Principle” was all about.

The last time I visited Heidi she'd already had quite a few husbands, a couple of them her own.

She was the only person I knew whose idea of a formal evening was putting sheets on the bed.

Then she showed me her little black book. I thought she was bringing out the Encyclopaedia Britannica!

I'll lie still for a lot of things - but sex isn't one of them. ~ Heidi Abromowitz

Better laid than never. ~ Heidi Abromowitz

She’s been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.

She’s responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood.

She’s been in more motel rooms than the Bible.

She’s been turned more ways than Rubik’s cube.

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