Humorous Quotes from
Confessions of a Happy Man
By Art Linkletter
- When I order dinner in a restaurant I instinctively glace at the price side of the menu. I can trace these habits back to my boyhood, when every spare dime looked like a little piece of Fort Knox.
- "All your shows are good,” he (Linkletter's father) said. “And when you can, Artie, give the Lord a little plug.”
- My father was no Billy Sunday, but he had a voice like a big league umpire, and when he took on Satan no man could doubt his sincerity.
- When I was ten years old, the problem of the birds and the bees had not yet reared its interesting head.
- For fifty dollars I would have changed my name to Little Orphan Annie and behaved accordingly.
- I predict Art Linkletter will be a great comedian some day. But don’t go by me. Ten years ago I predicted Zsa Zsa Gabor would be a Sunday school teacher. ~ Milton Berle
- Every small boy with normal instincts begins his research on girls the day his glands start moving the hormones around, and mine must have come to life very early indeed.
- I am not much of a drinking man. I sip on a cocktail now and then and, as a master of ceremonies, I have been subjected to enough bottles of champagne to make a bubble bath big enough for King Kong.
- I am probably remembered by my teachers and fellow students as a boy with a tongue that defied all the laws of perpetual motion.
- Lock your door when you go out, or else you might find a girl in your bed. (A seven year old on the House Party show explaining what he learnt from the story Goldilocks)
- I jump like a pogo stick every time the villain gets his (gun) on the television set at home.
- (Clark) Gable’s attitude toward life – and how it had changed in thirty years! – was that he’d rather have a new tractor than a row of Oscars he couldn’t use.
- From time to time, I wrote little mystery stories in which the mystery was how they got printed.
- When Link chases down money that’s coming to him, he makes Buffalo Bill look like a monkey riding a mule. ~ A L Vollman
- Oh, that’s a person who solves problems that wouldn’t be there, if there weren’t any politicians. (A thirteen year old defines a politician in the House Party Show)
- (Earl) Caroll’s chorus girls were uniformly dazzling, long-stemmed and satin-skinned, and the mysterious areas on their beautiful bodies were hidden by cloth patches not much larger than a band-aid.
- I naturally wondered, when I was found guilty by Judge Roche, what sort of mental picture my radio listeners would have to me. I hoped they would not think of me as the part where nurses put the needle.
- Lois went to one of the fashionable stores in Los Angeles and bought some new furniture that was sturdy enough to withstand a stampede by the Marx brothers.
- Women don’t care if their faces are not on the bills, as long as they can get their hands on them. ~ Ivy Baker Priest
- I have never really wanted to fathom the mysteries of the female mind. I do not care to open Pandora’s Box and let the termites out.
- A speechless Linkletter, they say, is as unlikely as a talking Sphinx.
- Bergen snickered and accused me of using a quip that was old when Charlie McCarthy still had sap running through him.
- During the period when I was clawing and scratching to get my shows into the top ten, I covered more miles around the country than all the thousands of traveling salesmen who ever pursued a farmer’s daughter.
- I once made the mistake of trying to trade quips with Milton Berle at a banquet, and when his turn came he said: “Yes, sir, Art. People are funny. But in your case forget it.”
- There is an old Linkletter axiom which says: “Only children tell the truth.”
- I was sitting at home, day dreaming about beautiful women, capital gains, roast beef and all the other ingredients of the good life.
- Color television, for instance, is the great leveler. No matter what color you are, you come out purple, with green lips.
Have you checked out
this super book?
Back to Humorous Quotes
WorkingHumor.com now has a Facebook Page. It's still a baby, hasn't learnt how to dance yet
but maybe you're the one we're waiting for, to get the party started ;o!
Check it out here