Humorous Quotes from
Growing Old Disgracefully
By Rohan Candappa

Seizure the day - Faking a heart attack is always a good way of getting some attention, or livening up an otherwise dull social occasion.

Uncle Stan’s Theory of Relativity - This was first expounded by my Uncle Stanley. His theory was that, relatively speaking, the older you get, the more annoying your relatives become.

Hip Hop - Type of dancing attempted by those who’ve had one or more of their hips replaced.

Ford Siesta - Nodding off in the back of the car.

Celluheavy - And you thought the cellulite of middle age was hard to face.

Wanderbra - Designed to assist ladies blessed with an ample, and once firm, bosom that now wanders off in all directions at every opportunity.

One of the benefits of getting older is that for some obscure reason there lingers around the peripheries of most societies the quasi-folkloric idea that the old can be very wise. Frankly, this is too good an opportunity to miss. That’s because it provides you with a licence to talk cobblers, dressed up in profundity.

There will come a point in your life when the wearing of slacks will start to appeal much more. Embrace the moment and incorporate the philosophy implicit in the name of the garment into your lifestyle. ‘Slacks’ derives from ‘slack’, a word meaning ‘not tight, taut, tense, or busy’. What a great way to live.

Let it be known to your nearest and dearest that (being of sound mind and body) you're giving serious consideration to the matter of your will. Then casually leave lying around brochures for a donkey sanctuary.

Who’s Frank kidding? We’ve all got regrets. Loads of the buggers. And if we really think we’ve got ‘too few to mention’ it’s more likely a case that we can't remember all the stupid things we’ve done in our life, or all the bad decisions we’ve made.

Wasn’t it the French existentialist Albert Camus who wrote (in French obviously) ‘A man without regrets is like a grapefruit without a grapefruit knife’?

It’s not the silence of the lambs that the real horror story, it’s the groaning of the limbs.

So you used to spring out of bed every morning, but now you're more likely to wake having felt every spring.

Youth isn’t the only thing wasted on the young. Drugs are too.

A whole new approach to the Seven Deadly Sins - 1. Sloth; 2. Avarice; 3. Envy; 4. Lust; 5. Anger ; 6. Gluttony & 7. Pride Think of it as a checklist of things to do.

A trip down mammary lane (for the ladies) - This involves a stint in front of the mirror lamenting how it’s not only governments with large majorities that seem to lose shape, firmness and direction as time goes on.

If new technology makes you feel stupid, then you're missing the point. That's because the point of new technology is to make you feel stupid.

Why wait to lose your marbles when so much fun can be had be pretending to misplace them every now and again?

The best way to preserve your sanity is to occasionally feign a little madness.

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