Humorous Quotes from
The Grass is Always Greener Over the Septic Tank
By Erma Bombeck

It was either Thomas Jefferson – or maybe it was John Wayne – who once said, “Your foot will never get well as long as there is a horse standing on it.”

(In the suburbs) We have aluminum foil at the windows to keep the sun from fading the children.

And one day I yawned, stretched my arms and someone stored the complete works of Dr. Seuss and a pot of African violets on them.

I want to see the big, outside world from atop a lube rack. I want to whirl dizzily in a cloud of exhaust, rotate my tries with the rest of the girls. Don’t you understand? I want to honk if I love Jesus!

We had a little quiz the other day on reproductive organs and he defined every one of them as an Askyourfather.

The suburbs didn’t invent sex – it only gave it a wilder distribution.

I have always felt if the Good Lord had meant for people to go nude He would never have invented the wicker chair.

The suburban lawn not only became an obsession with the suburban husband, it became the very symbol of manhood. Not to have a lawn was like admitting you turned off the Super Bowl to take a nap, used deodorant shields in your T-shirts, or had training wheels on your Harley-Davidson.

It struck with little warning and attacked the weak, the bored, the vulnerable seeking relief from the monotony. Its name was television and by 1966, it would enslave sixty-million families.

Television was a terminal disease that was to spread and worsen, driving people from acute withdrawal to chip-dip attacks.

There was a rumor going through the city that the suburban housewife drank her breakfast, accepted obscene phone calls – collect – played musical beds with her neighbors, and rewrote the book on Show and Tell.

If anyone could sell the suburbs, sin could.

Marge was still on the drinking man’s diet. She required a bottle, a little ice, and a clean glass. (Marge hadn’t lost a pound, but it didn’t seem to make any difference to her.)

There was a time when I derived some comfort out of the knowledge that one out of every three Americans is overweight. But I never saw the one. Everywhere I went I was flanked on either side by the two chart-perfect women.

"Maybe you don’t realize the dangers of being by yourself out here in this wilderness. There are loonies and crazies running around all over the place."
“True, but we’re all on a first-name basis.”

There are four things that are overrated in this country: hot chicken soup, sex, the FBI, and parking your car in your garage.

Lester was wounded at Ft. Dix when he stapled his elbow to a private’s request for transfer.

“I suppose my braised prawn sandwiches did not meet with your middle-class taste?” she snarled.
“I don’t pretend to be a connoisseur of bait!”

In the suburbs, pregnancy wasn’t a condition, it was the current style. Everyone was wearing a stomach in various stages of development – whether you looked good in one or not.

Most kids don’t know how to handle defeat. They fall apart. Its important to know how to lose because you do a lot of it when you grow up.

Tomorrow night, this entire family is going to sit down together and eat a meal. Only a certificate death – a recent one – will be acceptable for a no-show.

One son appears in stereo – a transistor in one ear and the phone in the other..

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