Humorous Quotes from
Fields for President
By W. C. Fields

Somehow, even though I was only a kid, I had sense enough to know that I must work with my mind and not just my hands.

As long as I did pantomime, the silent motion pictures wouldn’t give me a tumble. But the moment I began to speak on the stage, I got an offer to go into silent films. Probably they wanted to keep me quiet.

I was exactly nine years old, and I can remember clearly how Boss Tweed's brother, Harris Tweed, took me on his knee and said: "Will, whatever you do in the years to come, always remember one thing: Never give a sucker an even break."

When, on next November fifth, I am elected chief executive of this fair land, amidst thunderous cheering and shouting and throwing of babies out the window, I shall, my fellow citizens, offer no such empty panaceas as a New Deal, or an Old Deal, or even a Re-Deal.

Of course from 1910 on, my meteoric march to the pinnacle of success has been immortalized in the songs and literature of our day, so it would seem needless to repeat the tale here.

The major responsibility of a President is to squeeze the last possible cent out of the tax payer; thus he should be at least familiar with the intricacies of the ransom notes that the Internal Revenue Department sends out each spring.

If the chief executive is not an expert in the art of making resolutions, how can he hope to break his campaign promises gracefully.

If he knows nothing else, a President should at least understand the secret of success in the business world. For, after all, what is the Presidency but a glorified business – or, at least, a fine racket?

A woman’s like an elephant – I like to look at ‘em, but I wouldn’t want to own one!

Twenty-odd years ago, when I was the leading attraction of Hubert’s Flea Circus, I used to saw a woman in half twice every evening, and there by got a finer cross section of American femininity than most Fifth Avenue Psychiatrists.

The leaders of our nation realize that in W.C. Fields they have a candidate who understands the fairer sex as well as the fiercer.

Tell your husband nothing about it. He may never find it out. Never smarten up a chump!

….the government fixes it so that you have a choice of (1) starving to death by having an income so low that you do not have to pay a tax; or (2) having an income high enough to pay a tax – and then starving to death after you’ve paid it.

March 15 is always a day of rare rejoicing and unbridled revelry throughout the nation. For that is the day when all the citizens of our fair land may practice their inalienable rights of sending a fat slice of their yearly increments to Washington.

Filling out an income-tax blank is as easy as rolling off a logarithm.

While a short time ago Mr. O’Hare was only a poor barber and consequently had no business paying an income tax, today he was paying an income tax and consequently had no business.

Here are the principal things needed in filling out an income tax: one dozen tax blanks, six pencils, one slide rule, one Chinese abacus, three reams of inexpensive copy paper, an ice pack and various medicinal stimulants.

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.

At any rate, here is my best advice on the matter of deductions: just count off on your fingers all the items that you suspect might be deductible – and then forget them, because they aren’t.

Campaign resolutions are nothing more than overgrown New Year’s resolutions: they are thrown together hastily at the last minute, with never a thought as to how they may be gracefully broken.

I was invited to a party by a couple who intended to get married (which they did, but not to each other).

What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water – thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general?

I have a poor memory for names; but I seldom remember a face.

I took $ 87.50 from my piggy bank and bought one of those rowing machines I’d heard so much about. Alas, the first time I put it in the Monongahela River and hopped on, the plagued thing sank like a plummet.

Metaphors come to me as natural as – well, I cant think of one now.

Uncle Sandy, as he was always referred to in the pawn-broking business, discovered an insomnia cure that earned him fame as the greatest sleeper south of Philadelphia. One day he happened to receive a free copy of the 1911 Congressional Record. On a warm Monday evening he sat down and read thirty pages. When he woke up, it was Wednesday afternoon.

I would awake each morning at the crack of noon.

Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents)

I was just about to mount the stairs when the doorbell rang violently. It gave me such a start that I ascended the stairs three to five at a time – in my excitement I forgot to count the exact number.

I hesitate, however, to advise that a child sleep outdoors. I tried this practice several times myself but never got a decent night’s sleep – policemen were forever waking me up and cautioning me to git goin’.

It is important for boy children, at least, to learn to count money at the age of four, since it is high time that they were out selling papers. If small for its age, the child can sell tabloids.

(At a job interview) Remember to have no liquor bottles visible on your person; but if you should forget, at least have the decency to offer your prospective employer a pull.

There is only one way to rise to the top of the heap in any occupation or profession, be it humble or lofty: you must give it your all; you must do a little bit more than is expected of you. For instance, young man, you may be only an elevator operator – but if a customer wants to go to the eighth floor, take him to the ninth of tenth. The small extra effort may prove the turning point in your career.

Remember, folks, cast a vote for Fields and watch for the silver lining. Cast several votes for Fields and watch for the police.

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