Humorous Quotes attributed to Erma Bombeck
1927-1996, American Humorist and Author

A lot of things have been done in bed in the name of love . . . but nothing comes close to the traditional Mother’s Day breakfast in bed. (Motherhood, the second...)

(about a soap opera) Of course it was pure fiction. I mean, where else could you see a man who told his wife he loved her. . . with the lights on? (Aunt Erma's copebook)

Airline steaks are done when they say they are done. (When you look like your passport photo...)

Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.

Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.

I am not a glutton -- I am an explorer of food.

I don’t understand people who can go abroad and come back with nothing to declare but diarrhea. (When you look like your passport photo...)

I had a traumatic experience that I have not been able to relate to more than thirty or forty thousand of my most intimate friends. (At wit's end)

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

I know it is too late now, but I have long felt that I was foolish not to limit my family. . . to a parakeet with his tongue clipped. (Just wait till ...)

I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: ''Checkout Time is 18 years.''

I was one of the luckier women who came to motherhood with some experience. I owned a Yorkshire Terrier for three years. (Motherhood, the second...)

In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.

In the South Pacific, because of their size, mosquitoes are required to file flight plans. (When you look like your passport photo...)

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

It’s frightening feeling to wake up one morning and discover that while you were asleep you went out of style. (If life is a bowl of cherries...)

It was either Thomas Jefferson – or maybe it was John Wayne – who once said, “Your foot will never get well as long as there is a horse standing on it.” (The grass is always greener...)

Males are born with a closed fist. Girls are born with the left hand cramped in a position of the size of an American Express card. (Motherhood, the second...)

Most kids don’t know how to handle defeat. They fall apart. Its important to know how to lose because you do a lot of it when you grow up. (The grass is always greener...)

My son did not show signs of a money deficiency until he opened his small fist in the nursery and found it was empty. (Just wait till ...)

Never accept a drink from a Urologist.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

Single women go out to ‘dine’. Married women go out to ‘eat’. (At wit's end)

So you swallowed the plastic dinosaur out of the cereal box. What do you want me to do, call a vet? (At wit's end)

Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.

Some women are lucky, you know. They gave birth to babies. I gave birth to teen-agers. (Just wait till ...)

Smokers who blow smoke in my face will learn firsthand (within minutes actually) how injurious smoking can be to their health. (Aunt Erma's copebook)

The fact was that I didn't want to look my age, but I didn't want to act the age I wanted to look either. (Aunt Erma's copebook)

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heaving breathing again.

There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.

Toilets were invented by the Romans in the second century. The very next day, Out of Order signs were invented. (When you look like your passport photo...)

What better way to understand today’s young people than to spend an evening with them. It’s logic like that that fills nursing homes. (Aunt Erma's copebook)

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and could say, ''I used everything you gave me.''

When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.

With the entire block of my friends feeling trapped, bored, neurotic, and unfulfilled, why should I feel good and alienate myself? (At wit's end)

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