Humorous Quotes from
How to Talk Dirty and Influence People
By Lenny Bruce

I sort of felt sorry for the damn flies. They never hurt anybody. Even though they were supposed to carry disease, I never heard anybody say he caught anything from a fly. My cousin gave two guys the clap, and nobody ever whacked her with a newspaper.

I was enthralled with the discovery of the jukebox: a machine that didn't sew, drill, boil or kill; a machine solely for fun.

All the acts were working these dates just to have a showcase; the money was secondary [because that’s when the rent was due on the second].

Just as in nearly every other delicate situation in my life, I began to laugh.

One cannot cast the first stone – if already stoned.

Do you perhaps believe ... Good nuts, the ones who blow up trains with 300 people or repeatedly try to kill themselves, should be sent to Bellevue or other institutions equipped with mental-health programs; but bad nuts, who try to kill themselves with heroin or other narcotics, should be sent to jail.

I try to keep in mind that the only difference between a Charles Van Doren, a Bernard Goldfine, a Mayor Curley or a Dave Beck, and me, is that they got caught.

There were wars that followed nonetheless, especially the one that took courageous Americans, heroic Russians, invincible Englishmen, and the indefatigable French, who shared moral unity, having God and Irving Berlin on their side, and censuring those who offended the principles of Christianity – the Italians.

Marilyn’s (Monroe) respectability when she died was based principally upon her economic status, which is, in the final analysis, the only type our society really respects.

Other bovine ladies began to bare their chests for a frank and honest appraisal of their inner spiritual qualities.

If a girlie book was all that was left as a document of this generation, an anthropologist of the year 2965 would logically assume that this culture seemed to be identified with the religious concept: “God made my body and if it is dirty, then the imperfection lies with the Manufacturer, not the product.

I would become a priest or a rabbi or a monk or whatever the hell was necessary to perform miracles such as taking money from someone else’s pocket and putting it into mine, still remaining within the confines of the law.

She probably used some expensive monkey-gland preparation for the purpose of preservation, and it certainly served its function: all of her wrinkles were well preserved.

I’m confused about the direction of Heaven. Its not up there, because the earth revolves, and sometimes you can go to Hell at 8.30, and Heaven at 12.06.

All of which goes to prove the old adage, “You Can't keep a Good Crook Down...”

Presumably the management wishes to safeguard the dubious innocence of underage New Yorkers against Mr. Bruce’s vocabulary, which runs to four-letter words, of which the most printable is Y.M.C.A

Paar has a God complex. He thinks he can create performers in six days.

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will some day become Congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

Friends, drop your bread in the collection box or I'll throw this right in your faith.

I might add that historically there was quite a problem in England where the king’s men were stopping people on the street to see if they were fit for burning – i.e., if they had rejected the Anglican church.

I was on a cruiser called the U.S.S Brooklyn. I was second-best gunner’s mate. I was mating it from 1942 to 1945.

So, then, I would rather my child see a stag film than The Ten Commandments or Kind of Kings – because I don’t want my kids to kill Christ when he comes back. That’s what they see in those films – that violence.

Well, let me just take your kids to a dirty move:
“All right, kids, sit down now, this picture’s gonna start. It's not like Psycho, with a lot of four-letter words, like ‘kill’ and ‘maim’ and ‘hurt’..."

A cartoon by Ed Fisher had a judge saying, "Before I pass sentence on you, Lenny Bruce, is there anything you wish to say - anything printable, that is?"

I’ll say to an audience – you and I know what a Jew is: one who killed our Lord. Now there’s dead silence there after that. When I did this in England, I said, “I don’t know if you know that over here, but it got a lot of press in the States.

We (The Jews) killed him (Christ) because he didn’t want to become a doctor, that’s why.

Variety deemed it newsworthy enough to report that I wasn’t arrested during that engagement.

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