Humorous Quotes from
Dave Barry is not taking this Sitting Down
By Dave Barry

I had arrived at the airport one hour early so that, in accordance with airline procedures, I could stand around.

Every year, hundreds of thousands of people try their hand at this demanding profession (humor columnist). After a few months, almost all of them have given up and gone back to the ninth grade.

If you're hungry enough, you will eat wood chips. (That's why beavers do it. There is no way they would gnaw on trees if they ever found out about pizza delivery.)

The Flight was scheduled to go directly to Houston, so finally, after navigating around the sky for several hours, we landed in: New Orleans.

One of the problems with horse racing is that key parts of the race take place several miles away, so that even if you can find the horses, they look like a herd of stampeding squirrels. I think the sport would be better off if the horses stayed directly in front of the grandstand, perhaps on a treadmill.

Perhaps you think think it is impossible to bet on six horses in an eight horse race and still not win any money. Perhaps you're an idiot.

Decades ago, when I was full of energy I was going to not only END WORLD HUNGER, but also STOP WAR and ELIMINATE RACISM. Whereas today my life goals, to judge from the notes I leave myself, tend to be along the lines of BUY DETERGENT.

According to Rob (my son), I understand the universe about as well as a barnacle understands a nuclear aircraft carrier.

Like many young people of today, my son does not appreciate classical musicians such as Stones; he is more into bands with names like "Heave" and "Squatting Turnips."

In person, he (Mick Jagger) looks like Yoda wearing a Mick Jagger wig.

It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.

Like any drug, caffeine can have serious side effects if we ingest too much. This fact was noticed in Ancient Egypt when a group of workers, who were supposed to be making a birdbath, began drinking Egyptian coffee, which is very strong, and wound up constructing the pyramids.

I came to need coffee, and even today I can do nothing useful before I've had several cups. (I can't do anything useful afterward, either; that's why I'm a columnist.)

My doctor is named Curt, and the only time I go to his office is when I am experiencing a clear-cut medical symptom, such as an arrow sticking out of my head.

I liked it better when my only medical responsibility was to stick my tongue out.

The true cause of bad whether, contrary to what they been claiming all these years, is TV weather forecasters, who have single-handedly destroyed the ozone layer via overuse of hair spray.

Scientists who study weather are called "meteorologists," to distinguish them from scientists who study meteors, who are called "scientists who study meteors."

Motto of the U.S. airline industry - "We're Hoping to Have a Motto Announcement in About an Hour."

This year, U.S. airlineswill carry a record 143 million passengers, who will be in the air for 382 million hours, during which they will be fed an estimated total of four peanuts.

The U.S. airline industry is still one of the safest on earth; the only nation with a better safety record is the Republic of Kyrgyzstan, which has only one airplane and can't figure out how to start it.

In modern America, food is abundant everywhere except aboard commercial airplanes.

The popular sport of professional wrestling is definitely "on the up and up." Its integrity is protected by safeguards every bit as stringent as the ones used to protect America's most vital nuclear secrets.

It takes a special type of person to be a professional-wrestling referee, the type of person who, if he had been present when the Hindenburg was being consumed by a giant ball of flame, would have been looking, with intense interest, at the ground.

Six months ago, they were college students, sitting around their dorms, trying to figure out what body part to pierce next; now they are the CEOs of Something-Dot-Com.

By today's beauty standards, of course, Marilyn Monroe was an oil tanker.

Today's beauty ideal, strictly enforced by the media, is a person with the same level of body fat as a paper clip.

She's a gourmet cook who can make anything. I bet she has a recipe for cold fusion.

I went through puberty with the Beach Boys (not literally, of course; we all had separate rooms).

I have no idea what kind of engine I have sittin' under my hood. I could have a food processor sittin' under there.

I have obtained some shocking information regarding our National Security - information that I am going to reveal to you now, despite the chilling fact that, by revealing it, I am placing myself in direct, personal peril of winning a Pulitzer Prize.

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