Humorous Quotes from
Dave Barry's Guide to Marriage and/or Sex
By Dave Barry

As a rule, the only time you see two people of the opposite sex who have achieved true long-term stability in a marriage is when at least one of them is in a coma.

This was exactly my goal, when I set out to write this book. Unfortunately, as you'll see, I failed completely.

I'm afraid that, in this chapter we must talk about sex in a very explicit manner, because we want to expand the Frontiers of Human Understanding and also we want to sell as many books as possible to adolescent boys.

As they are growing up, males develop an attitude about their sexual organs very similar to the one that overprotective, doting parents have about their children.

This (French-Kissing) is a really sexy thing to do, according to the French people, although you should bear in mind that they also like to eat snails.

We put this question to five of the country's leading attorneys, and they sent us bills totalling $63,500.

First-time marriers usually prefer to have a traditional wedding, defined by experts as "a wedding where the flowers alone cost more than Versailles."

Princess Diana got married to Prince Charles in a ceremony that lasted longer than a number of major wars.

You'll want to have lots of photographs of your wedding to show to your family and friends, who will have been unable to see the actual ceremony because the photographer was always in the way.

A good idea is to put your wedding gown on early, so that the sweat stains can expand from your armpit areas and cover the entire gown, and thus be less noticeable.

Most young couples begin married life knowing very little about how to argue with each other, and are forced to learn through trial and error.

Creative arguing is the key to a long-lasting marriage.

In terms of total American corporation employee hours consumed, suggestive banter ranks well ahead of work and only slightly behind making Xerox copies of personal documents.

Time takes its toll on every marriage. The sense of romance and adventure that you feel as you take your wedding wows on that bright Saturday afternoon in June inevitably gives way to familiarity and even boredom, often as early as 8:30 that evening.

At one time it was difficult to get out of a marriage unless there was some kind of very serious problem with it, such as that one or more of the people involved had become deceased.

Today, it is easier to get divorced in most states than to get a transmission repaired properly.

You should be prepared for anything during divorce proceedings - even the truth.

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