Humorous Quotes from
Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys
By Dave Barry

This book is dedicated to whoever invented the remote control. (I’d look up this person’s name, but I don’t feel like getting off the sofa.)

Men tend to attach great significance to Manhood. This results in certain characteristically masculine, by which I mean stupid, behavioral patterns that can produce unfortunate results such as violent crime, war, spitting, and ice hockey.

My feeling is that if God did not want us to make gender-based generalizations, she would not have given us genders.

I realize, of course, that there are countless examples of guys being faithful to their mates until they die, usually as a result of being eaten by their mates immediately following copulation. Guys outside of the spider community, however, do not have a terrific record of faithfulness.

Think how much happier women would be if, instead of endlessly fretting about what the males in their lives are thinking, they could relax, secure in the knowledge that the correct answer is: very little.

Sitting around for no reason under the guise of being engaged in productive work was the first real guy contribution to human civilization, forming the underlying basis for many modern institutions and activities such as fishing, sales conferences, highway repair, the federal government, and “Customer Service.”

This in turn led to the development of the expense report, which was the forerunner to modern literary fiction.

The Renaissance saw the rebirth of interest in philosophy, science, and the arts, and above all the rise of humanism – a philosophy centered on the distinctive needs, interests, and ideals of . . . not deities, but people. Guys were in favor of this because it resulted in statues of naked women.

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million guy sperm cells, each one wriggling in its own direction, totally confident it knows where it is going, to located a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.

To understand guys, it is essential to rememberthat, deep down inside, they are biological creatures, like jellyfish or trees, only less likely to clean the bathroom.

I'm not saying that women don’t think about sex also. I'm saying that women are capable, for at least brief periods of time, of not thinking about sex, and that most guys are not.

This physique has inspired a whole line of mature-guy casual pants, which go by the name “Dockers” because it was not considered a shrewd marketing move to come right out and call them “Pants for the Bigger-Butted Man.”

As guys grow older, and produce more testosterone, they become less mature.

The toys marketed for boys, like the TV shows, tend to encourage the boys’ already aggressive nature, which could be why boys spend so much time acting like what trained professional psychologists call “jerks.”

They (Guys) can remember jokes learned in the third grade, whereas they can't always remember exactly, down to the last digit, how many of their parents are still living.

Contrary to what many women believe, it’s fairly easy to develop a long-term, stable, intimate, and mutually fulfilling relationship with a guy. Of course this guy has to be a Labrador retriever. With human guys, it’s extremely difficult. This is because guys don’t really grasp what women mean by the term relationship.

Scientists believe that the reason dogs howl at the moon is because they (the dogs) (also some of the scientists) are upset that they can't get up there and pee on it.

Sometimes we were so encouraging that the opposing coach would yell helpful suggestions rhyming with “duck shoe” back at us.

My feeling is that if more guys would join mellow, purposeless, and semi-dysfunctional organizations such as the Lawn Rangers, then there would be a lot fewer guys getting involved in aggressive, venal, destructive, and frequently criminal organizations such as the U.S.Congress.

We know from reading medical journals that a person under the influence of powerful marijuana is comparable – in terms of alertness, reaction time, problem-solving skills, and overall central-nervous-system functionality – to linoleum.

Guys are also capable of achievements that a nonguy cannot even imagine without the aid of strong prescription drugs.

No matter what NASA would have us believe, the purpose of the space program is not to benefit the human race by advancing the frontiers of human knowledge. We humans do not need to leave Earth to get to go to a hostile, deadly, alien environment; we already have Miami.

The crowd around me was mostly guys in their forties and older – husbands and fathers with responsible, demanding South Florida jobs such as stockbroker, doctor, narcotics kingperson, etc.

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