Humorous Quotes from
Boogers are my Beat
By Dave Barry

Favorite Long Quote/Extract
In the newspaper business (motto: “Trust Us! We’re English Majors!”) we have high standards of accuracy. Before we print anything, we make sure that:
We personally believe it’s true, or
A reliable source (defined as “a source wearing business attire”) told us it’s true or
Another newspaper, with a respectable newspaper name such as “The Fort Smidling Chronic Truncator” says it’s true, or
It’s getting late and we need to print SOMETHING so we can go to the bar.

This action was taken by – get ready for some irony – the International Olympic committee (motto: “No Longer Openly Accepting Bribes”).

The Olympic movement simply cannot allow the Russians to become estranged, because Russia is a vital part of the world sports community, in the sense of having nuclear missiles.

The Wal-Mart also boasts a vast food department, featuring enough cholesterol in the snack section alone to finish off every heart patient of Earth.

It seems that a new batch of lawyers, who were not involved in the original tobacco litigation, has been pondering the 1998 settlement, and they have come to the conclusion that it has a very serious legal flaw, namely: They are not getting any of the money.

We should not be critical of the way our political and legal leaders are waging the War on Smoking. They have proved once again that this great nation, with its “can-do” attitude, can take any problem, no matter how sad and hopeless it seems, and figure out a way to turn it into increased Mercedes sales.

It’s time for my annual Tax guide, which takes you step-by-step through the federal filing process, from obtaining the proper tax forms all the way to getting that desirable upper prison bunk.

Check out any feng shui publication, such as Feng Shui for Modern Living (“The World’s Biggest Selling Feng Shui Magazine”), which is filled with useful tips, such as this one from the April issue: “Keep your toilet seat down . . . to prevent ch’i being unnecessarily ‘flushed’ away.”

No offense, but if you take the horoscope seriously, your frontal lobes are the size of Raisinets.

We’re moving. I blame my daughter. She’s only five months old, but she has somehow acquired, at a conservative estimate, 250 million toys. Every morning, there seem to be more of them. I suspect they're having some kind of battery-powered sex while we sleep.

Today’s toys contain computer chips, so they can move and talk; this stimulates the mind of your child. Notice I say “your child.” MY child just wants to eat the toys.

I called our Realtor and said: “We need to move.” Now a truly compassionate Realtor, upon hearing these words, would have shot me in the head.

I'm sure you're familiar with Cosmopolitan (“Fun-Fearless-Female”). It’s the one with the cover that always has a picture of a woman who looks as though she has a prestigious and rewarding executive career as a hooker.