Humorous Quotes from
Confessions of a Hooker
By Bob Hope

We (Bob Hope and me) play golf together often. I win, he wins; I lose, he loses; I pay, he tells a joke! ~ Gerald Ford

In spite of all the wonderful gifts and mementos given me, if I could have one special piece of memorabilia, it would be the first dollar Bob Hope ever paid on a bet lost on a golf course. The search for that bill wouldn’t be difficult. It’s still in Bob’s right hand pants pocket. ~ Gerald Ford

It’s not hard to find Jerry Ford on a golf course, you just follow wounded!

Jerry Ford has made golf a contact sport.

I know he’ll (Bob Hope) shoot his age, even if he has to live to be 125 to do it! ~ Gerald Ford

I’ve been playing golf a long time, although it’s not really true that on my first round they strapped my bag on the back of a dinosaur.

I get upset over a bad shot just like anyone else. But it’s silly to let the game get to you. When I miss a shot I just think what a beautiful day it is. And what pure fresh air I’m breathing. Then I take a deep breath. I have to do that. That’s what gives me the strength to break the club.

I don’t know how you'd describe my swing at the time, but to some it looked a little like a polo player without a horse.

Bob’s got a great short game. Unfortunately it’s off the tee. ~ Jimmy Demaret

Golf’s a hard game to figure. One day you’ll go out and slice it, shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.

You often see Clint Eastwood. He’s easy to spot. He’s the only guy on the course who carries his putter in a holster.

Arnie’s really had a fabulous career in golf. He’s won as much money as I’ve spent on lessons.

He (Arnold Palmer) told me how I could cut eight strokes off my score . . .skip one of the par 3s.

It’s fun playing with (Jackie) Gleason. He has the only golf cart with a bartender.

Joe’s (Garagiola) a great guy. His head was the inspiration for Dunlop golf balls.

I once showed Pat Bradley my swing and said, “What do I do next?” Pat replied, “Wait till the pain dies down.”

Jackie’s (Gleason) such a generous man that he donated a sweater to charity as a pro-am prize and now there’s a family of refugees living in it.

A few years ago he (Jackie Gleason) had a big heart transplant in Chicago, a five-hour operation. It took the doctors four hours to get him on the operating table.

I have two rules in golf: never play in lightning and never cross a footbridge with (Jackie) Gleason.

I’ve played many rounds with Billy (Graham). We’re a lot alike. He prays and I cheat. He cheats in his own pious way.

He (Billy Graham) always wins, but then look at the help he’s got. Pretty hard to beat a guy who gets the ball out of a sand trap just by muttering a few words and looking up.

It’s fun playing with Dean Martin at Riviera in Los Angeles. When he wins anything we always tell him.

I’ve always enjoyed my rounds with Gene Cernan, the astronaut. Every time he sees a rock he examines it, numbers it and puts it into a bag.

Drugs are very much on the scene in professional sports today, but when you think about it, golf is the only sport where the players aren’t penalized for being on grass.

After the 1984 Summer Olympics, Reagan wanted to add the U.S. volleyball team to his Cabinet. He figured if they can't shove his programs down Congress’ throat, nobody can.

America is a country where the Olympics and the divorce lawyers both have the same slogan - Go for the Gold.

Winston (Churchill) didn’t care much for the game. When I was over in England doing shows for American servicemen during the war he saw me swing. He snickered and remarked, “Never before has anyone swung so hard for so little.”

After all, golf is my real profession. Entertainment is just a sideline. I tell jokes to pay my greens fees.

English clubs are very exclusive. I played Royal Foxshire and they made me wear a suit and tie. . . in the shower.

A few years ago Arnold (Palmer) went on a fitness program. He started jogging, and gave up smoking. And he looks great. He coughs only when his opponent is putting.

Arnold (Palmer) has been golf’s most intrepid pilot. He has owned his own jet for years, often taking over the controls himself. This can get dangerous. On one flight he though he was in a golf cart and stepped out at forty thousand feet.

In the 1961 Los Angeles Open, at Rancho Park, Arnold (Palmer) hit four of the longest drives of his life. Unfortunately they were all on the 9th hole – out of bounds.

Eighty is when you order a steak and the headwaiter puts it through the blender. Or when you wake up as many times during the night as Burt Reynolds, but not for the same reason.

Lee’s (Trevino) career nearly ended when he was struck by lightning during the Western Open in 1975, which caused him a lot of serious back problems. I love Lee’s line: “I should have been carrying a 1-iron that day. Even God can't hit a 1-iron.

If I’m on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God want to play through, let him.

I asked her (Jan Stephenson) how she like my game and she said, “Well, it’s OK, but I still prefer golf.”

By the time Ike was elected President in 1952, his devotion to golf had become legendry. No administration ever had more sun-tanned Secret Service men.

When Ike was President I played with him at Burning Tree, against General Omar Bradley and Senator Stuart Symington. On the 1st tee we discussed wagers. “Well,” Ike said with that infectious smile, “I just loaned Bolivia $2 million. I’ll play for a dollar nassau.”

Ike loved to paint. I always kidded him that he preferred painting to golf because it required fewer strokes.

Dolores says there are days when I’m closer to shooting my weight than my age.

I still work very hard on my game and I try to shoot the best score possible every time out. Even if have to nudge the calculator a little now and then.

I never kick my ball in the rough or improve my lie in a sand trap. For that I have a caddie.

Ben is a disciple of Homer Kelly’s book The Golfing Machine, which is actually a physics book about golf.

Sammy (Davis) hits a nice ball, about 90 yards. But his jewelry flies 110.

I really enjoy riding in a golf cart, and just recently I had an exceptionally good day. I only fell out of the cart twice.

He (Father Durkin) wasn’t all that impressed by my game, however. I had him bless my clubs and I dropped $20 in the poor box. When he saw my swing he gave me back the $20 and dropped my clubs in the poor box.

Bing (Crosby) always said my swing looked like Grandma Moses trying to keep warm.

I always keep my own score. I mark it correctly, to the best of my knowledge. But with all the strokes I take on a hole, I think I can be forgiven if I forget one. . . or two. . . but one time I went too far. I made a hole in one and marked down a zero.

Ben Hogan always taught me to maintain a high follow-through. He never warned me that if my club got any higher I’d be climbing a tree.

I’ve seen Deano (Dean Martin) send a ball over 250 yards . . . just by breathing on it.

Jimmy Stewart could have been a good golfer, but he speaks so slowly that by the time he yells “Fore!” the guy he’s hit is already in an ambulance on the way to the hospital.

A photographer kept shooting me every time I swung. I was very flattered until I found out he was from Field and Stream.

(Greg) Norman is a fabulous ball-striker. He was practicing one day at Bay Hill near Orlando, Florida, where he and his wife Laura have built a new home. He was hitting some tee shots in the general direction of the Atlantic Ocean and after one boomer, Cuba fired back.

I knew the President (Ronald Reagan) would run for reelection in 1984. Why not? Actors love sequels . . . and returns.

If you drop the pass in football, or miss the shot in basketball, or strike out in baseball, everybody knows it. If you hit a bad shot in golf, you can always claim you know a shortcut to the green. At least that’s my story.

I actually hit my most creative shots with a pencil.

I need scorecards that are not allergic to erasers.

Scottish golf is great, but St. Andrews and Gleneagles have traps where you get in and you're never heard from again.

I’ve played a lot of golf in Las Vegas, but I’ve always resisted the offers to work a show there. I wouldn’t take those silicone shots for anything.

I’m a lousy gambler. When I’m $4.00 down I look like I’m in the middle of open heart surgery.

I must sign 350 autographs a day, which is not really difficult. The hard part is trying to give them to people.

I’m always nice to my fans. Without them I’d have to do it the hard way . . . with talent.

He (Bing Crosby) was an excellent player, with the slowest backswing I’ve ever seen. While he was taking the club back you could fit him for a tailored suit.

For the average player, Pebble Beach could be murder. It was Alcatraz with grass.

(Jimmy) Demaret was a marvelous wind player, the best I’ve ever seen. He was born in a gale down in Texas. His mother had to run five miles to retrieve him.

I enjoy playing golf with the astronauts. They’ve helped my scoring – teaching me to count backwards.

I don’t pay any attention to party politics when it comes to friendship. I play golf with Jerry Ford and I play golf with Tip O’Neill, and they both treat me exactly the same. Neither one will let me keep score.

(Gerald) Ford is the only man I know who can play four courses simultaneously. There are over fifty courses in Palm Springs, and he never knows which one he’ll play until he hits his first drive.

When (Spiro) Agnew yellowed “Fore!” you never knew whether he was telling someone to get out of the way or if he was predicting how many spectators he would hit with the shot.

It was exciting playing golf with Agnew. You never had to wait for the group ahead. They were all hiding in the bushes.

I enjoy playing with him. The element of risk gets my adrenaline flowing and adds twenty yards to my tee shots. You don’t know what fear is until you hear Ford behind you shouting “Fore!” . . . and you're still in the locker room.

Shortly after I started playing golf with Jerry Ford I thought it was time to take some lessons. Not golf lessons. First aid.

Whenever I play with Ford these days I carry thriteen clubs and a white flag.

He's (Ford) really a fine trap player. He seldom misses one. He drives well, too. He's never lost a golf cart yet.

The Russians used to say if we were really serious about disarmament, we'd dismantle his (Ford) golf clubs.

I've always enjoyed playing golf with a President. The only problem is that there are so many Secret Sevice men around there's not much chance to cheat.

I hit a ball into the wind one day at La Quinta, but I guess I shouldn't have watched it with my mouth open. I'm the only guy around with an Adam's apple marked SPALDING TOP-FLITE.

One course in Alaska was hacked out of the wilderness. My caddie was a moose. Every time I reached for a club he thought I was trying to steal his antlers.

In Casablanca they had a beautiful course, seven thousand yards of sand. Every once in a while there was a little patch of grass. That was a trap.

Okinawa had a lovely course. You're really in trouble in a bunker because nobody remembers where the Japanese buried their land mines. You can miss the ball completely and blast out.

Golf’s really fun in Japan because of the women caddies. ... I saw one guy start out playing alone with his caddie. By the 9th hole they were engaged and when they finished on 18 they had a foursome.

I had a Japanese caddie at the Classic and on one hole she smiled and handed me a hara-kiri sword.

I take my golf clubs with me all over the world. It’s amazing what you can get through customs in golf bag.

Nicklaus sank an 8-foot putt for the only birdie on the hole and collected $240, 000! That’s enough money to take your whole family to a Michael Jackson concert.

Golfers don’t take drugs. It would be too obvious. The alligator on their shirts would roll over on its back.

You just can't take drugs and play golf at the same time. It’s hard enough to hit that ball when it’s standing still.

Palmer used to be a professional golfer, but now he’s a conglomerate. He has so many irons in the fire he has to play the tour with his woods.

Palmer was not in a real good mood that day. He had seen a commercial on TV that he wasn’t in.

I sometimes wonder if Palmer isn’t getting too involved with TV commercials. When he missed a putt the other day, he put the ball back and said, “Take two.”

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Humorous Quotes from Confessions of a HookerBy Bob Hope

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Humorous Quotes from
Confessions of a Hooker
By Bob Hope

Have you checked out
this super book?

Click Here

Have you checked out
this super book?

Click Here