Humorous Quotes from
If Life is a Bowl of Cherries -
What Am I Doing in the Pits?
By Erma Bombeck

I’ve always worried a lot and frankly I’m good at it.

Next to hot chicken soup, a tattoo of an anchor on your chest, and penicillin, I consider a honeymoon one of the most overrated events in the world.

A woman can walk through the Louvre Museum in Paris and see 5000 breathtaking paintings on the wall. A man can walk through the Louvre Museum in Paris and see 5000 nails in the wall. That is the inherent difference.

It’s frightening feeling to wake up one morning and discover that while you were asleep you went out of style.

I wanted to be “on the go.” (I was half-gone already.)

I interviewed sitters for six months. It's depressing when you realize no one wants to be paid for what you’ve been doing for years for nothing.

Between keeping house and working, I’m probably going to live to be a hundred. Or maybe it will just seem that long.

I have been “into” tennis now for six months and was named Miss. Congeniality in the Varicose Open.

I noted some women tucked the second ball just inside the elastic leg of their tennis panties. I tried, but found the space was already occupied by a leg.

The American family stated to decline when parents began to communicate with their children. When we began to “rap,” “feed into one another,” “let things hang out” that mother didn’t know about and would rather not.

To me, modern education is a contradiction. Its like a three year old kid with a computer in his hand who can multiply 10.6 percent interest of $ 11, 653, but doesn’t know if a dime is larger or smaller than a nickel.

I was against coed dorms from the beginning. Not because it was a sensuous supermarket, but because I felt if anyone ever saw my son’s bedroom in its natural state, I’d never get the kid married off and now my worst fears have been realized.

I know the trend is for young people to go the frankness and honesty route, but premarital clutter could stamp our marriages forever.

As my house mother once told me when I was in college, “There is nothing that attracts the opposite sex like a busy signal….. a locked door…. And the word ‘No.’

Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize whether it be in church, a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have to last a lifetime and must be conserved.

I do a lot of thinking about how I am going to merchandise my kids. Frankly, in clear conscience, I don’t see how I can let them go into marriage without slapping a sticker on their foreheads that reads: “This Person May Be Injurious to Your Mental Health.”

You always hear about fashion’s success stories. How a starlet lost an earring one night and by the next morning, the entire country was wearing one earring.

I looked into a mirror. The reflection looked like Milton Berle with a migraine.

She held up a satin gown. (The last time I saw anything that narrow, there was toothpaste in it).

I firmly believe that kids don’t want your understanding. They want your trust, your compassion, your binding love and your car keys, but you try to understand them and you’re in big trouble.

For three days I sat home without wheels (which is like telling Zsa Zsa Gabor she can't have any more wedding cake).

I read one psychologist’s theory that said, “Never strike a child in anger.” When could I strike him? When he is kissing me on my birthday? When he is recuperating from measles? Do I slap the Bible out of his hand on Sunday?

I found a letter to my sister the other day that I had forgotten to mail. It just needed a little updating to send. After “The baby is…..” I crossed out “toilet trained” and wrote in “graduating from high school this month.”

My son never fails to amaze me. At age twenty-one, he has come up with a new way to break his neck. It's called a skateboard.

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