Humorous Quotes from
If Life is a Bowl of Cherries -
What Am I Doing in the Pits?
By Erma Bombeck
- I’ve always worried a lot and frankly I’m good
- Next to hot chicken soup, a tattoo of an anchor on
your chest, and penicillin, I consider a honeymoon one of the most overrated
events in the world.
- A woman can walk through the Louvre Museum in Paris
and see 5000 breathtaking paintings on the wall. A man can walk through the
Louvre Museum in Paris and see 5000 nails in the wall. That is the inherent
- It’s frightening feeling to wake up one morning
and discover that while you were asleep you went out of style.
- I wanted to be “on the go.” (I was half-gone
- I interviewed sitters for six months. It's
depressing when you realize no one wants to be paid for what you’ve been
doing for years for nothing.
- Between keeping house and working, I’m probably
going to live to be a hundred. Or maybe it will just seem that long.
- I have been “into” tennis now for six months and
was named Miss. Congeniality in the Varicose Open.
- I noted some women tucked the second ball just
inside the elastic leg of their tennis panties. I tried, but found the space
was already occupied by a leg.
- The American family stated to decline when parents
began to communicate with their children. When we began to “rap,”
“feed into one another,” “let things hang out” that mother didn’t
know about and would rather not.
- To me, modern education is a contradiction.
Its like a three year old kid with a computer in his hand who can multiply
10.6 percent interest of $ 11, 653, but doesn’t know if a dime is larger
or smaller than a nickel.
- I was against coed dorms from the beginning. Not
because it was a sensuous supermarket, but because I felt if anyone ever saw
my son’s bedroom in its natural state, I’d never get the kid married off
and now my worst fears have been realized.
- I know the trend is for young people to go the
frankness and honesty route, but premarital clutter could stamp our
- As my house mother once told me when I was in
college, “There is nothing that attracts the opposite sex like a busy
signal….. a locked door…. And the word ‘No.’
- Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize whether
it be in church, a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when
the lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have to
last a lifetime and must be conserved.
- I do a lot of thinking about how I am going to
merchandise my kids. Frankly, in clear conscience, I don’t see how I can
let them go into marriage without slapping a sticker on their foreheads that
reads: “This Person May Be Injurious to Your Mental Health.”
- You always hear about fashion’s success stories.
How a starlet lost an earring one night and by the next morning, the entire
country was wearing one earring.
- I looked into a mirror. The reflection looked like
Milton Berle with a migraine.
- She held up a satin gown. (The last time I saw
anything that narrow, there was toothpaste in it).
- I firmly believe that kids don’t want your
understanding. They want your trust, your compassion, your binding love and
your car keys, but you try to understand them and you’re in big trouble.
- For three days I sat home without wheels (which is
like telling Zsa Zsa Gabor she can't have any more wedding cake).
- I read one psychologist’s theory that said,
“Never strike a child in anger.” When could I strike him? When he is
kissing me on my birthday? When he is recuperating from measles? Do I slap
the Bible out of his hand on Sunday?
- I found a letter to my sister the other day that I
had forgotten to mail. It just needed a little updating to send. After
“The baby is…..” I crossed out “toilet trained” and wrote in
“graduating from high school this month.”
- My son never fails to amaze me. At age twenty-one, he has come up with a
new way to break his neck. It's called a skateboard.
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