Humorous Quotes attributed to Billy Crystal
1947- , American Comedian, Actor

At eight the lights went down, and the audience started cheering. Then a disembodied voice said, "Ladies and gentlemen, no smoking in the theater," and the cheering stopped. "No drinking in the theater." They booed. "No picture taking." Eichmann got a warmer reception in Jerusalem. (Absolutely Mahvelous)

Had my dream again where I'm making love, and the Olympic judges are watching. I got a 9.8 from the Canadians, a perfect 10 from the Americans, and my mother, disguised as an East German judge, gave me a 5.6. Must have been the dismount. (When Harry met Sally)

I don't like heights. This is why I stopped growing at fifth grade. (My Giant)

I don't want to brag, but I think I could play an old black Jew in drag better than Olivier. I'm comfortable being old. I'm comfortable being black. I'm comfortable being Jewish. And I look very good in dresses. (Absolutely Mahvelous)

In high school, I was the class comedian as opposed to the class clown. The difference is, the class clown is the guy who drops his pants at the football game, the class comedian is the guy who talked him into it.

It's money. I remember it from when I was single. (Father's Day)

My father's father was an actor. He played Hamlet in Yiddish. Shakespeare was even better in Yiddish than in English, but the people in the front row needed raincoats. (Absolutely Mahvelous)

Never say famous last words, because they could be. (Forget Paris)

One of the fringe benefits of my work is that I often get to see people close up I once thought were ten feet tall on movie screens - or ten inches tall on TV. Most of them turn out to be somewhere in between. (Absolutely Mahvelous)

Robin (Williams) is a Picasso comic. The eye is awry, and the imagery and the ideas are dazzling. (Absolutely Mahvelous)

The Passion of the Christ opened up on Ash Wednesday, had a Good Friday. (Academy Awards, 2004)

This guy was so large, he had his own climate.

The reason we are together is because she puts lead in my shoes and doesn't let me fly off the earth. And it's always been that way.

Trading lines with Robin (Williams) is, I imagine, like trading forehands with Ivan Lendl from three feet away. (Absolutely Mahvelous)

Well, the way things are going, aside from wheat and auto parts, America's biggest export is now the Oscar.

What is my goal here, to make you a happy, well-adjusted gangster? (Analyze This)

When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

Without Goliath, David is just some punk throwing rocks. (My Giant)

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. (City Slickers)

Mobster: No hard feelings.
Billy: No... and probably never again.
(Analyze That)

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