Humorous Quotes attributed to Bertrand Russell
1872-1970, British Philosopher, Mathematician, Essayist

A stupid man's report of what a clever man says is never accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.

Aristotle maintained that women have fewer teeth than men; although he was twice married, it never occurred to him to verify this statement by examining his wives' mouths.

Every time the subject (philosophy) came up they (his family) repeated with unfailing regularity, 'What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind.'

How dare we speak of the laws of chance? Is not chance the antithesis of all law?

I once saw a photograph of a large herd of wild elephants in Central Africa Seeing an airplane for the first time, and all in a state of wild collective terror... As, however, there were no journalists among them, the terror died down when the airplane was out of sight.

I would never die for my beliefs, because I might be wrong.

If I were a medical man, I should prescribe a holiday to any patient who considered his work important. (The Conquest of Happiness)

If it is the devil that tempts the young to enjoy themselves, is it not, perhaps, the same personage that persuades the old to condemn their enjoyment?

In addition to cotton goods we exported tuberculosis and syphilis, but for them there was no charge.

It is permissible with certain precautions to speak in print of coitus, but it is not permissible to employ the monosyllabic synonym for this word.

Life is nothing but a competition to be the criminal rather than the victim.

Man is a credulous animal, and must believe something; in the absence of good grounds for belief, he will be satisfied with bad ones.

Men are born ignorant, not stupid; they are made stupid by education.

Most people would rather die than think; in fact, they do so.

(Nowadays) every housemaid expects at least once a week as much excitement as would have lasted a Jane Austen heroine throughout a whole novel.

Of remoter ancestors I can only discover one who did not live to a great age, and he died of a disease which is now rare, namely, having his head cut off.

One of the symptoms of approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important. (The Conquest of Happiness)

Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons.

So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence; and in this respect ministers of religion follow gospel authority more closely than in some others.

Suppose atomic bombs had reduced the population of the world to one brother and sister; should they let the human race die out?

The degree of one's emotion varies inversely with one's knowledge of the facts -- the less you know the hotter you get.

The fundamental cause of trouble in the world today is that the stupid are cocksure while the intelligent are full of doubt.

The good life, as I conceive it, is a happy life. I do not mean that if you are good you will be happy; I mean that if you are happy you will be good.

The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.

This, however, is a passing nightmare; in time the earth will become again incapable of supporting life, and peace will return.

Trivial people suffer trivially, great men suffer greatly.

We are told that Sin consists in acting contrary to God's commands, but we are also told that God is omnipotent. If He is, nothing contrary to His will can occur; therefore when the sinner disobeys His commands, He must have intended this to happen.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

We love those who hate our enemies, and if we had no enemies, there would be very few people whom we should love.

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