Humorous Quotes about
Babies / Children / Kids

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to His kids. ~ Bill Cosby (Fatherhood)

I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time. ~ Bill Cosby (Fatherhood) ~ Bill Cosby (Fatherhood)

Pity the poor infant. Born perfect into the world from imperfect parents. ~ Cynthia Heimel (If you can't live without me...)

If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland. ~ Dave Barry

My point here, young couples, is that baby-having is extremely serious business, and you probably don't have the vaguest idea what you're doing, as is evidenced by the fact that you're reading a very sloppy and poorly researched book. ~ Dave Barry (Babies and other Hazards of Sex)

Until I became a parent, I thought children just naturally knew how to catch a ball, that catching was an instinctive biological reflex that all children are born with, like knowing how to operate a remote control or getting high fevers in distant airports. ~ Dave Barry Dave Barry Talks Back

Today’s toys contain computer chips, so they can move and talk; this stimulates the mind of your child. Notice I say “your child.” MY child just wants to eat the toys. ~ Dave Barry (Boogers are my Beat)

Babies are equipped at birth with a number of instinctive reflexes and behavior patterns that cause them to spend their first several years trying to kill themselves. If your home contains a sharp, toxic object, your baby will locate it; if your home contains no such object, your baby will try to obtain one via mail order. ~ Dave Barry (Boogers are my Beat)

Baby’s room should be close enough to your room so that you can hear baby cry, unless you want to get some sleep, in which case baby’s room should be in Peru. ~ Dave Barry (Boogers are my Beat)

Children are capable of learning to read much earlier than we give them credit for. Why, Mozart was only two years old when he wrote Moby Dick! ~ Dave Barry (Boogers are my Beat)

Babies are such a nice way to start people ~ Don Herold

The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said, "Could I get you your check?" and we answered, "How about the menu first?" ~ Erma Bombeck

[an error occurred while processing this directive]

Excellent Babies ...
Nobody is excused from the excellence trend. Babies are not excused. Starting right after they get out of the womb, modern babies are exposed to instructional flashcards designed to make them the best babies they can possibly be, so they can get into today’s competitive preschools. Your eighties baby sees so many flashcards that he never gets an unobstructed view of his parents’ faces. As an adult, he’ll carry around a little wallet card that says “7x9=63,” because it will remind him of mother.
~ Dave Barry's Greatest Hits

Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize whether it be in church, a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have to last a lifetime and must be conserved. ~ Erma Bombeck (If Life is a bowl of Cherries...)

If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children’s eyes, they’d flinch and call their attorney. ~ Erma Bombeck (Motherhood, The Second Oldest Profession)

I got so much food spit back in my face when my kids were small, I put windshield wipers on my glasses. ~ Erma Bombeck (Motherhood, The Second Oldest Profession)

My son did not show signs of a money deficiency until he opened his small fist in the nursery and found it was empty. ~ Erma Bombeck (Just Wait Till you have Children of your Own)

I’ve always been intrigued with the variety of answers this generation will give their children who ask, “Where did I come from, Mommy?” They will range from “Number 176 vial in Buffalo, New York,” to “You were defrosted.” ~ Erma Bombeck (All I know about Animal Behavior...)

For the first two years of a child's life, we spend every waking hour tryibg to get the child to communicate. Then we spend the rest of our lives trying to figure out how we can reverse the process. ~ Erma Bombeck (All I know about Animal Behavior...)

Now the thing about having a baby - and I can't be the first person to have noticed this - is that thereafter you have it. ~ Jean Kerr

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door. ~ Jeff Foxworthy

If you desire to drain to the dregs the fullest cup of scorn and hatred that a fellow human being can pour out for you, let a young mother hear you call dear baby ''it.'' ~ Jerome K Jerome (Idle Thoughts of an Idle Fellow)

Give an average baby a fair chance, and if it doesn't do something it oughtn't to a doctor should be called in at once. ~ Jerome K Jerome (Idle Thoughts of an Idle Fellow)

The worst feature of a new baby is its mother's singing. ~ Kin Hubbard

For toddlers I suggest leaving their mittens on year-round, indoors and out. That way they can't get into aspirin bottles, liquor cabinets, or boxes of kitchen matches. ~ P.J. O'Rourke (The Bachelor Home Companion)

[an error occurred while processing this directive]

How Am I doing?
Just because a baby cries, I discovered, doesn't mean there's always something wrong. Sometimes babies wake up for no real reason. They just want to check if they're doing it right.
"This is Sleeping, right?"
"Exactly."
"I just lie here?"
"That's right."
"Okay."
Then back to sleep they go.
~ Paul Reiser (Babyhood)