Humorous Quotes from
Everything and a Kite
By Ray Romano
- In a way, (stand-up) comedy is like sex. The more noise you hear, the better you think you're doing.
- I've since converted to a different sect of Catholicism - part-time Catholicism.
- My theory has always been that everyone in show business is there because they were deprived of some attention as a child.
- I remember the first time my wife (then girlfriend) came over to the basement. I spent the entire day cleaning it, just so I could say, “Sorry the place is such a mess.” I had to clean all day to qualify for mess status.
- If a guy’s ever telling you a four-hour sex story with a straight face, just feel sorry for him. Not for lying to you, but for lying to himself. As a matter of fact, stop him right in the middle of the story and just hug him. Nine times out of ten he’ll just break down and cry. He knows you know.
- For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to say married, get two.
- I came from an Italian house. The refrigerator was always full. I never knew you had to buy food. I thought there were food fairies that came at night.
- That’s when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.
- I do know its important to keep the romantic spark alive in your marriage. But with four kids, sometimes it’s enough just to keep yourself alive.
- The married man has all but eliminated that worry from his life, simply because his wife knows all about him: the good, the bad, and the tiny.
- When you wake up one day and say, “You know what? I don’t think I ever need to sleep or have sex again.” Congratulations, you're ready (to have children).
- Now, each baby is different, but this baby, whom we will call Hypothetical...
- Every parent knows that for a kid, the car is chloroform.
- I wasn’t really that informed about the two-year-old. Oh, I'd read about them, and occasionally I’d see documentaries on the Discovery Channel showing two-year-olds in the wild, where they belong.
- Why can't I love him (a 2 yr old nephew) from afar? That’s how I want to love him – through pictures and folklore.
- My daughter’s tricycle said “Some Assembly Required.” It came in a jar.
- You might think that’s an exaggeration but believe me, if you leave twin two-year-olds alone in your living room, at some point a cow will be airborne.
- Without identical twins, you’ll never get to experience entering a hotel room with one of them and watching him run into the full-length mirror because he though he saw his brother.
- Parents, just keep in mind that kids will always round off to the nearest obscenity.
- I think maybe my four-year-old has come up with a new metaphor. We don’t want “everything out of life,” we want “everything and a kite”!
- You have to remember: she’s (the wife) been home all day cleaning asses and feeding faces. Sometimes the opposite.
- Nothing like a little chest pain to restore your faith.
- It’s hard to idolize a ballplayer when you're forty and he’s, let’s say, twenty-one. How can I be yelling “You da man!” when he da kid?
- That’s the one thing I have over any twenty-one-year-old: a proud history of accumulated neuroses. That's the game in which I'm da man.
Have you checked out
this super book?
Back to Humorous Quotes
WorkingHumor.com now has a Facebook Page. It's still a baby, hasn't learnt how to dance yet
but maybe you're the one we're waiting for, to get the party started ;o!
Check it out here