Humorous Quotes from
Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse
By Phyllis Diller
- You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
- I considered changing my name when I entered show business, but with a face like this, who cares?
- Just when I lost my baby fat, I got middle-age spread, I didn’t have a good five minutes.
- I was born at home on newspaper about eight months later and christened Phyllis Ada Drive. (I still have a story on my butt, although now the print is much larger.)
- I was breast-fed until I was two. When I started asking for it by name, my mother felt it was time to quit.
- (As a 2 yr old) If she (Mom) told me to sit, I sat; if she sent me to the
store, I went. This ability to take the direction would be a great showbiz asset.
- I was born clothes conscious. I didn’t like my diapers.
- If it wasn’t for my Adam’s apple, I’d have no shape at all.
- We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was
standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we’d have a rainbow above it.
- Fang is a good loser. He lost eleven jobs in one year.
- Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
- Prices on our damaged refrigerators have been slashed. If demand is heavy, we can damage a few more.
- If you really want to get rid of some people, loan them money. You’ll never see them again.
- He had the charm of a skunk and the looks to match.
- Lloyd (Clark) was a nightclub person who had tremendous connections to the Purple Onion. Suave, dark-haired, pencil thin, and overtly gay, he was there every night with a huge white mound who happened to be his wife.
- When the radio station threw a little goodbye party for me, the jerk in
charge inscribed my card with “A Scar Is Born.”
- I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, “Take off your clothes”?
- The only reason she wasn't on Noah’s Ark was because they couldn’t find another animal that looked like her. . . .
- She not only washes the windows, she irons them. She waxes her driveway. Her husband got drunk one night, passed out on the coffee table, and she came down the next morning and polished him to death.
- Fang is the cheapest man alive. On Christmas Eve, he puts the kids to bed, fires one shot, and tells them Santa committed suicide.
- His dog bit me. It was a big black standard poodle and that curly
sonofabitch hated me on sight. . . or maybe on smell.
- Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
~ Will Rogers
- I do dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead. . .
- My family and friends have convinced me to give up cooking altogether. It got so bad, they couldn’t lift the garbage.
- Fang was in a wretched mood. He was doing push-ups in the nude and he didn’t notice the mousetrap.
- He’s (Fang) so cheap, he threw an IOU into a wishing well. I tossed in a dime, and he jumped in after it and broke his neck. That was my wish.
- I met my idol, Warren Beatty. I was so thrilled, and he was thrilled, too . . . He finally met a woman he didn’t want.
- We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . . And they are dumb. But Fang is even dumber. He thinks he’s their father . . .
- Fang’s idea of a seven-course dinner is a six-pack and a bologna sandwich. The last time I said, “Let’s eat out,” we ate in the garage. . . . He staggered out of a bar one night, threw up on a cat, and said, “I don’t remember eating that.”
- The last time Fang had a gleam in his eye, there was a short in his electric blanket . . .
- Fang, the idiot, was watching television one night and a guy was showing how to use a condom by putting on a sock. Now Fang is carrying a sock in his wallet.
- He’d never graduated high school, even though his publicity bio stated that he had attended Oxford. What it failed to mention was that he’d simply gone there to visit his brothers.
- The reason I’m not an alcoholic is I don’t like to drink in front of the
kids . . . and when you’re away from them, who needs it?
- Would you believe that I once entered a beauty contest? I must have been out of my mind. I not only came in last, I got 361 get well cards.
- The filming, such as it was, took place in Cape Carol, Florida, and I felt as if I was in the hellhole of America – if they ever give this country an enema, they should stick it in Cape Coral.
- One day in makeup, she (Gypsy Rose Lee) screamed with pain and the hair guy said, “I haven’t even touched you,” to which she replied, “But you’re going to.”
- I am in my fourteenth year of a ten-day beauty plan.
- I hope skirts don’t get any shorter – my legs don’t go all the way up.
- Did you hear about the Polish loan shark who lent out all his money and then skipped town?
- Some bad things have been happening lately. A pervert called me. Five Times. Collect. And that damn fool won't tell me where he lives.
- I would never take off my clothes on stage. Why make the critics’ job easy?
- I’m dedicated to culture. I honestly believe that’s absolutely nothing wrong about going to bed with a good book . . . or a friend who’s read one.
- When she (Phyllis Diller) started to play, Steinway himself came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano. ~ Bob Hope
- My mother said, “You have inner beauty,” and I said, “Well, why was I born wrong-side-out?”
- I also attended parties at the seventy-room Playboy Mansion located on North State Parkway, in the city’s ritzy Gold Coast district, where a brass plate on the front door bore the Latin inscription 'Si Non Oscillas, Noli Tintinnare – If You Don’t Swing, Don’t Ring.
- I’ve turned many a head in my day, and a few stomachs. I never made Who’s Who but I’m featured in What’s That?
- I was so wrinkled, I could screw my hats on. And talk about ugly – my own Ouija board told me to go to hell. One night, a peeping
Tom threw up on my windowsill.
- I told Fang, “I’m gonna have my face lifted, “and he said, “Who the hell would steal it?”
- I opted to have a breast reduction, lift, and tummy tuck, and afterwards my body looked fabulous . . . for a few minutes.
- My face has been pulled up more time than Bill Clinton’s pants.
- You can only stretch skin so far. That’s why I am through with cosmetic surgery. And besides, when you reach my age, there’s not a whole lot to gain from looking ten years younger.
- My fan club broke up today. The guy died.
- The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
- They’re now selling condoms right out in the open, up at the cash register. I always order three and say, “Fill’em up. . . with M&M’s.”
- The newlyweds next door were going on a honeymoon cruise and the husband went into a drugstore and brought Dramamine and contraceptives. The dear old druggist took him aside and said, “Son, if it makes you sick, why do you do it.”
- You know you’re old when your walker has an air bag . . . and they’ve discontinued your blood type.
- I remember attending one of Frank Sinatra’s last concerts where the
TelePrompTers said TALK!
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