Humorous Quotes from
Bob Hope Shows (Live & Radio)

And this Christmas we've really got men (US armed forces) all over. We've got men in more places than Crosby and I built Roads to.

In the South Sea Islands it's time for planting. All day long you see those girls in grass skirts rotating their crops.

I'm going to be in xxxx on 15th, xxxxx on 16th, ..... I haven't got a joke here but the Tax Department made me throw those in so they could keep track of me.

Sinatra not only mails in his tax returns ... he rides along in the envelope to argue.

I've also played with Sinatra. He's the best no 3 iron I ever used.

Let me present xxxxx tea, the tea that has all America drinking coffee.

It's nice to be here in sunny Texas where men are men and women are women. Especially after California where it's so smoggy you just have to guess.

He's trying to strike a midget gusher which will produce baby oil.

Over the weekend I saw the noted SMU football classic. What a game with weaving, bobbing, ducking and sqirming. And just when I got under the fence they made me go outside and buy a ticket.

Most of the Texas boys are farmers too. In one play the SMU quarterback put his hand out to get the ball. The center grabbed his fingers and before they could stop him got 3 quarts of milk.

My hands are so soft when I want to point at anybody I have to starch one finger.

Everybody is afraid they won't have any money after they die, but Jack Benny discovered a way to take it with him. He had his appendix taken out and a piggy bank put in.

I'd like to kill him (Jack Benny) but the Government needs the money.

(To Jack Benny) We were going to give you a line that you could sink your teeth into, but we weren't sure you'd have them along tonight.

Song Titles (from a show in which Bob Hope and Jack Benny play DJ's)
=> I'm dancing with tears in my eyes cause the girl in my arms had onions for dinner.
=> You used to be the cream in my coffee but now you're just grounds for divorce.

Why don't you go to the supply sergeant and have them issue you a brain ?

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