Humorous Quotes from
By Jerry Seinfeld
- It was there that I first learned one of life's great
pleasures, watching other people work.
- I like the way it (a bookstore) breaks down into fiction and
nonfiction. In other words, these people are lying, and these people
are telling the truth.
- Whatever it is that you won't show us, that's what we're
obsessed with seeing. I mean, if women always wore hats in public all the
time, you'd see men buying Playhead magazine.
- Some people actually cheat on the people that they're cheating
with, which is like holding up a bank and then turning to the robber next to
you and going, "All right, give me everything you got, too."
- I think eventually fashion won't exist. I think someday we'll
all wear the same thing. Because anytime I see a movie or a TV show where
there are people from the future or another planet, they're all wearing the
- I've come to the conclusion that there are certain friends in
your life who are always your friends and you just have to accept it. You
see them even though you don't really want to see them. You don't call them,
they call you. You don't call back, they call again. You're late, they wait.
You don't show up, they're not upset. You try and stab them, they
- I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the
street I didn't want to talk to I could just go, "Excuse me, I'm not
here right now, If you just leave a message, I can walk away."
- Everybody in New York City knows there's way more cars than
parking spaces. You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night. Its
like musical chairs except everybody sat down around 1964.
- Everything on planes is very tiny. There's always tiny food,
tiny liquor bottles, tiny pillows, tiny bathroom, tiny sink, tiny soap.
Everyone's in a cramped seat, working on a tiny computer. There's always
"a small problem, there'll be a slight delay, we'll be a bit late, if
you can be a little patient.
- Which is really crushing our lives more? Paying the taxes or
doing the taxes? I think it's close.
- But what do I get for all the money I spend on taxes? I don't
have any kids, I don't use the school system. I don't use the police, the
prisons. I've never called the military. Basically, I use the post office
and the white lines on the road. A third of my working life for postcards
and driving straight.
- The padded outfits, the bad scripts, the phony-looking sets.
He dealt with it all. He had to, he was Superman.
- When you want to enjoy something, you must never let logic get
too much in the way. Like the villains in all the James Bond movies.
Whenever Bond breaks into the complex: "Ah, Mr. Bond, welcome, come in.
Let me show you my entire evil plan and then put you in a death machine that
- The odd thing about the Bond movies is they have the most
evil guy in the world vs. the most good guy in the world and you leave
liking both of them equally.
- Have you ever been sitting there watching TV and you're
drinking the exact same product that they're advertising right there on TV?
And they're spiking volleyballs, jet skiing, girls in bikinis. And you're
sitting there, "Maybe I'm putting too much ice in mine. I'm not getting
- The whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends. If I
wanted a long, boring story with no point to it, I've got my life.
- Fear of success is one of the new fears I've heard about
lately. And I think its definitely a sign that we're running out of fears. A
person suffering from fear of success is scraping the bottom of the fear
- According to most studies, people's number one fear is public
speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that seem right?
That means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you're
better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
- I've never really understood the importance of the orchestra
conductor. I mean between you and me, what the hell is this guy doing? Do
you really need somebody waving a stick in your face to play the violin?
- Take boxing, the simplest, stupidest sport of all. It's almost
as if these guys are just desperate to compete with each other, but they
couldn't think of a sport. So they said, "Why don't we just pound each
other for forty-five minutes? Maybe someone will come watch that."
- To me the hardest part of being a professional football player
is on the one hand you're a millionaire on the other they blow a whistle and
you have to run around after a football.
- Some people you can't shush in a movie theatre. They're
talking and talking, everyone around them is shushing them, and they won't
shush. No one can shush them. They're the "unshushables."
- I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of
them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide.
- You don't have to be that bright to qualify as a parakeet.
It's a two-question test, "Can you fly? Is your head smooth? You're a
- Gym class was another little brush with fascism.
- IQs, SATs, GREs, its all initials. They don't even give you
enough credit that you can understand the name of the test.
- I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything
you know on there, maybe you'll hit it.
- My parents took me to the Amish country, which to a kid, to
see a bunch of people that have no cars, no TV, no phone, you go, "So
what? Neither do I." Who wants to see a whole community that's been
- Father's don't wear bathing suits, they wear trunks. It's kind
of the same thing a tree would wear if it went swimming.
- I'm at the age now where the roles reverse with my parents. I
go shopping with them it's like trying to organize little ducklings. They're
wandering all over.
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