Humorous Quotes attributed to Rodney Dangerfield
1921-2004, American Comedian, Actor

For Tons of Great Rodney Quotes, One-Liners and Jokes straight from the horses mouth visit The Master Himself at www.rodney.com

A girl phoned me the other day and said .... "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

I asked the cab driver, "Where can I get some action?". He took me over to my house.

I drink too much. Last time I gave a urine sample there was an olive in it.

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I knew my cousin was strange from high school. While I was dissecting frogs he was opening up flies.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy, I'd have nothing to play with.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

Last week I looked up my family tree, I found out I'm the sap.

My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.

My old man, he was dumb too. He worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met!

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

One time I got a college girl. She majored in business and psychology. For a 100$ she'd blow your mind.

Smart kid I got. The other day I told him about the birds and the bees. He told me about my wife and the butcher.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

You know you're drunk when you take a leak and your fly isn't open.

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