Humorous Quotes attributed to Rita Rudner
1955- , American Comedian, Writer, Actress

All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names. (Rita Rudner's Guide to Men)

I rationalize shop. I think a lot of women do that. Like, I buy a dress because I need change for gum.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.

I know I'm guilty of spending too much money on things I don’t really need. My last credit card bill was so big that before I opened it I actually heard a drum roll.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

I wonder what our children would be like. My husband is English and I'm American. They’d probably be rude but disgusted by their own behavior.

I work for myself, which is fun. Except for when I call in sick. I know I'm lying.

If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious. (Rita Rudner's Guide to Men)

If I can't have it all, can I atleast have some of yours ? (Naked beneath my clothes)

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle. (Rita Rudner's Guide to Men)

Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do, because their clothes all button and zip in the front (Rita Rudner's Guide to Men)

Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other." (Rita Rudner's Guide to Men)

Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano. (Rita Rudner's Guide to Men)

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony. (Rita Rudner's Guide to Men)

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

My mother buried three husbands . . . and two of them were only napping.

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

Saleswomen hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing too: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic.

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.

There is truth in what they say about the sexes. Men like cars. Women like clothes. I also like cars because they take me to clothes.

They're trying to put warning labels on liquor saying, 'Caution, alcohol can be dangerous to pregnant women.' That's ironic. If it weren't for alcohol, most women wouldn't even be that way.

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.

You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.

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