Humorous Quotes attributed to Phyllis Diller
1917- , American Comedienne

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

All comedy is bitching. If everything goes well, you have no comedy. (While interviewing Janeane Garofalo, May 1996)

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

Did you hear about the Polish loan shark who lent out all his money and then skipped town? (Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse)

Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.

Fang was in a wretched mood. He was doing push-ups in the nude and he didn’t notice the mousetrap. (Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse)

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.

I do dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead. . . (Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse)

I’m dedicated to culture. I honestly believe that’s absolutely nothing wrong about going to bed with a good book . . . or a friend who’s read one. (Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse)

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

My idea of exercise is a good, brisk sit. (While interviewing Janeane Garofalo, May 1996)

The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.

The reason I’m not an alcoholic is I don’t like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when you’re away from them, who needs it? (Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse)

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Tony Randall and I were once doing a variety show together, and the first thing he said to me was something about fellatio. I don't think I'd ever heard that word before, and I said, "I haven't read much Shakespeare." (While interviewing Janeane Garofalo, May 1996)

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.

You'd have to make an appointment to heckle me. My timing is so precise that either the audience is laughing or I am talking. Hecklers wait for a pause. They wait for dead air, and there's no dead air in my act. (While interviewing Janeane Garofalo, May 1996)

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