Humorous Quotes from Bob Hope's
I owe Russia $1200

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England occupies a warm spot in my affections. It was the scene of my greatest performance. I was born there.

Kelly and Norah were behaving fairly well. They hadn’t set fire to their piano teacher in over a month.

It was one of the stately old homes of England. It was practically a castle. It was the kind of house Shakespeare would’ve lived in if Laurence Olivier had been doing his shows.

It was a typical ancient English country home, 56 rooms and a bath. It was a strange kind of bath – it went all the way around the place. It was called a moat.

The place was so British, I wouldn’t have been surprised if the mice wore monocles.

All British castles and old country homes are supposed to be haunted. It’s in the lease.

The British are so eloquent. The first time I teed off at Swinley, I took a full swing at the ball, then heard one of the members say, “Never before has so much swung so hard for so little.”

Having so many gold courses so close together was ideal for me. With my slice I could enjoy three or four golf courses at the same time.

I've always felt England was a great place for a comic to work. It’s an island and the audience can't run very far.

The big difference in those days was that in England the Government subsidized TV, in America we work on TV so we can subsidize the Government.

This very course was the scene of Ben Hogan’s great victory in the British Open, and I wanted to take a shot at equaling Ben’s great subpar round of sixty-eight. I did – on the front nine.

Everybody knows what California smog is – that’s fog with the vitamins removed.

Our limousine was a Rolls-Royce equipped with wonderful fog lights. You just switch them on and you see the fog much better.

I had a great opening joke about automobiles in England – “You know what a Rolls-Royce is – that’s a Chevy that’s been knighted.”

There are many talented English personalities, but unfortunately they were all in Hollywood.

The old water heater in my dressing room was working, but it was king of tired. It gave off about as much warmth as an agent’s handshake.

The picture (Richard III) was wonderful and exciting, with three love affairs, five stabbings, fourteen ax murders. If Shakespeare can keep it up, he’ll be another Mickey Spillane.

Anita (Ekberg) is a standout, even in Hollywood where beautiful girls is one of the leading crops.

When Anita (Ekberg) walked on the stage, I’d say, “Her parents got the Nobel prize for architecture.”

It’s really cold here (Thule, Greenland). One guy jumped out of his bunk at 6 A.M. this morning, ran in and turned on the shower, and was stoned to death!

There’s a very apt saying in show business: “If you don’t go over budget in Paris, you're either very rich or very sick.”

I only speak a little pigeon French. Just enough to get by with the little French pigeons.

Contrary to what certain comedians have led you to believe, the national French pastime is picnicking.

He (Dean Martin) was seated alone. I crossed to his table and would have shaken his hand but he had a glass in both of them.

It’s very frustrating making a picture in Paris. We work hard all day at the studio to get a love scene just right. Then, on my way home, I see couples on every street corner doing it better.

At present we’re three weeks behind on film and six weeks ahead on wine.

It’s a wonderful way to live, and not a bad way to go, either. The average Frenchman is still smiling three months after he’s dead.

It was seven years since I’d entertained in Japan and I figured they’d had time to heal.

It takes more than a heart attack to stop most newspapermen.

We all had to take shots before leaving home. Les and his band went back for seconds.

The service at the Imperial (Tokyo) is the finest I've encountered anywhere. There was a button next to my bed marked ROOM SERVICE – and a maid to press it for me.

The help (in Japan) is very polite. They bow so much, you don’t know which end to talk to.

Tokyo cab drivers are all ex-kamikaze pilots.

I won’t say I was overanxious, but I think I had two drinks before I got the cork out of the bottle.

I've traveled so much, my passport is practically in shreds. It’s been stamped and restamped so often, the picture in it is beginning to look like me.

The King’s (Sultan Mohammed of Morocco) palace consists of a group of quite beautiful buildings, decorated with magnificent Arabic tilework. It’s almost as impressive as a California gas station.

I spent the afternoon in a teeming anthill of cutthroats, pickpockets, and shady characters, who’d committed every crime in the book. Including one I couldn’t forgive them for – no one asked me for my autograph.

The guys in the band have a motto: If it doesn’t move, buy it. If it moves, date it.

When I want to see the scenic points, I go over to the lobby newsstand and whirl the post card rack.

As the colonel and I sat swapping stories in the plane, a jet aircraft buzzed past our window. I asked the colonel what type of aircraft it was, and he said, “Don’t worry about it, Bob. . . if you can see it, it’s obsolete.”

That’s what I love about Dolores. Everything I tell her she believes implicitly, and she keeps on believing it until she can check up and find out the truth. Dolores is one-third Irish, one-third Italian, and one-third lie detector.

I am not really a coward. My psychiatrist explained the whole thing to me. It is normal for a man to respect danger, and when it comes to danger, believe me, I’m as normal as you can get.

No wonder he’s (Fidel Castro) got that beard. He doesn’t trust himself with a razor.

We had a very successful trip to Russia. We made it back.

The first course was vodka, my first taste of the real thing. I don’t know why they bothered to keep it in a bottle. They could have drained it directly out of the jet fuel tanks.

There was nothing subtle about our landing. The pilot just pointed the nose at the ground and let her rip.

I think I found the Achilles heel of the Communist system. If they have to call Room Service for the bomb, we’ve all got a few years to live.

She spoke perfect English, which led to considerable trouble. She couldn’t understand us at all.

Of course, I'm not exactly new to the cold – I've been to Alaska, Greenland, Iceland, and several Academy Award presentations.

Our first stop was red square, the heart of Moscow – if Moscow has one.

Ivan (the Terrible) hadn’t taken the Dale Carneigie course and had rather a difficult time getting along with people. It was in Red Square that Ivan put his enemies in iron cages and set them on fire.

The workers love Khrushchev very much. He hasn’t got an enemy in the entire country. Quite a few under it.

Following his doctor’s orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He’s leaving out the water.

The high point of the act is when he (Uri Durov) puts his head inside the bear’s huge jaws. I wouldn’t even try that with my agent.

Go figure a crazy, mixed-up country where ballet outsells boxing. I wouldn’t be surprised if their wrestling was on the level.

Television in Russia is still in its infancy. They haven’t even fired a comedian yet.

I hate these old-fashioned actresses who make it with talent.

I got a wonderful welcome at the airport. They fired twenty-one shots in the air in my honor. It would have been nicer if they’d waited for the plane to land.

Our Secretary of State rushed to the airport. The pilot said, “Where to?” The Secretary of State replied, “Anyplace – we’ve got trouble all over.”

I bought Dolores a lovely string of genuine pearls for only seven dollars. I think they were genuine. The oyster had an honest face.

Golf is a wonderful recreation for the guys at these lonely bases. It gives them something to do instead of thinking about what they really want to do.

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Humorous Quotes from Bob Hope's I owe Russia $1200

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Humorous Quotes from Bob Hope's
I owe Russia $1200