Humorous Quotes attributed to Ogden Nash
1902-1971, American Humorous Poet

A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick
and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.

Beneath this slab
John Brown is stowed.
He watched the ads
And not the road.

Candy, is dandy, but Liquor, is quicker.

Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore,
And that's what parents were created for.

Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.

I do not like to get the news, because there has never been an era when so many things were going so right for so many of the wrong persons.

I think that I shall never see
A billboard as lovely as a tree.
Perhaps unless the billboards fall,
I'll never see a tree at all.

I sit in an office at 244 Madison Avenue,
And say to myself You have a responsible job, havenue?

If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.

Life is an Easter Parade in which you whisper, "No darling if it's a boy we'll name him after your father!" into the ear of an astonished stranger because the lady you thought was walking with you has stopped to gaze into a window full of radishes...

Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.

Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long.

The bronx? No thonx.

The only way I can distinguish proper from improper fractions is by their actions.

There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all.

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