Humorous Quotes from Mickey Rooney's
Life is Too Short

I'm told I was delivered by a Chinese doctor, who patted me on the bottom and said, "Okay, kid, you've been resting for nine months. Now get to work."

In the beginning, God said, "Let there be light." And in my own beginning, He saw to it that I was bathed in light.

I've always enjoyed the lights of the theater, no wonder that even now, when I open a refrigerator door, I feel like performing.

I learned something: never smart off to a doctor who has a scalpel in his hand and bottle of iodine nearby. I would later have a chance to transfer that bit of wisdom to other situations - to cops with guns, casting directors with clipboards, producers with fountain pens, all deadly weapons if they wanted to use them.

I was now part of the MGM family, MGM with more stars than there are in heaven. And, as one of those stars, I'd find fame and fortune.

So now I was real actor. It was official. The New York Times said so.

She (Lana Turner) wasn't the kind of girl who had much to say or had to say much. Her body said it all, and I got the message, loud and clear.

I do know that on a dance floor I could make her {Lana Turner} breathless. And that in the front seat of my convertible, parked high up on Mulholland Drive, I could make her laugh. (I could also make her laugh on the dance floor and make her breathless on Mulholland Drive.)

A whole family of barbiturates took up residence in my medicine cabinet, prescribed for me by well-meaning, but star-struck (that is to say, stupid), doctors.

I'm not an angel and certainly I've made a million mistakes, you know. And I hope I'm around long enough to make a million more.

Nowadays, it is fashionable for agents to be out. When you call them, they're always "out." It's in, you see, to be out. If they're in, they're out. So, they're always out. That way, they'll be in.

If I ever complain to an agent about anything, he always has a pained look on his face, like, "How can you be so ungrateful? Why, Mick, I just named my yacht after you!"

So I stayed married and played musical girls for a while.

What do you get when you put twenty-nine comedians together? Insecurity to the twenty-ninth power. {About the movie It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World}

Bosley Crowther of The New York Timed called it (How to Stuff a Wild Bikini) "the worst film of the last two years - and maybe the next two years."

Women liked me because I made them laugh. What is an orgasm, after all, except laughter of the loins?

My heart has been broken so many times, it has cauliflower valves.

I told them (reporters) I had a marriage license that I kept with me at all times. It was made out to "To Whom It May Concern."

I told them (reporters) that when I said to the minister at the wedding chapel, "I do, I do," he said, "I know, I know."

Alimony is a big business! It's big business! It's bigger than the A and P! Bigger than the Mafia! It's the fastest-growing business in America!

If you need a lawyer, my advice is hunt around, ask about him, make a rational choice. You'll find a good one, I'm sure. Then, hire another lawyer to watch him.

There was a time when I wasn't married. I forget when. Fifteen or twenty minutes, I think, in 1968.

Have you ever spent any time in Philadelphia? Did you see that game show on TV the other day? First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks in Philadelphia.

My father used to say to me, 'Listen, stupid.' (He always called me Listen.) {Sugar Babies}

I think that may marriages die because couples get flabbly in the head. They need to exercise their brains, read books, perform mental aerobics - daily. Otherwise they have nothing to talk about.

Hollywood itself was once a fair lady under a pink parasol who blushed when a suitor approached. Now she's painted old whore who can't wait for the gangbang to begin.

Since actuaries have proven that married men life longer, and I've been married eight times, I should live at least eight times longer than George Burns. I should still be around in 2672.

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