Humorous Quotes attributed to Kirk Douglas
1916- , American Actor, Director and Filmmaker

All the movements now are encouraging women to be stronger. I’d like to be in a movement for men to be weaker. The right to be weak, the right to be passive, the right to do nothing. ~ The Ragman's Son

Come on, Ben, up at’em. You're gonna get fat. Remember – spare tires are only good for rafting. ~ Last Tango in Brooklyn

Don’t enjoy being fit so much – enjoy life more. The goal of exercise – and fifteen minutes a day is all you need – is not just to preserve your body, it’s to help you get more out of your life.~ Last Tango in Brooklyn

I have always told my sons that they didn't have my advantages of being born into abject poverty.

I never stop to savor a victory. When victory is nevitable, I’ve already left. ~ The Ragman's Son

If the good guy gets the girl, it's rated PG; If the bad guy gets the girl, it's rated R; and if everybody gets the girl, it's rated X.

If you want to know about a man you can find out an awful lot by looking at who he married.

It must be some change for you – from sunny California to grimy Brooklyn.”
“I have not been here long enough to notice.”
“You're lucky. Take my advice. Go out on the street only at night, that way the dirt blends in.”
~ Last Tango in Brooklyn

It’s a catholic hospital – we work for peanuts to keep the pope in his f***ing gold dresses. ~ Last Tango in Brooklyn

Oh, doctors! They’ll keep doing tests until they find something wrong with you or kill you, whichever comes first. ~ Last Tango in Brooklyn

Paul Gauguin: All I see when I look at your paintings is just that you paint too fast.
Vincent Van Gogh (Kirk Douglas): You look too fast!
~ Lust for Life

People are always talking about the old days. They say that the old movies were better, that the old actors were so great. But I don't think so. All I can say about the old days is that they have passed.

She was a stubby, masculine-looking woman with the good looks of a bulldog; he had heard her earlier denouncing sexual harassment. She should be so lucky. ~ Last Tango in Brooklyn

Sometimes I think my life is a B-movie script. I’d never make the movie. ~ The Ragman's Son

The definition of an actor - someone who loves rejection. ~ The Ragman's Son

The mortality rate of studio executives is about the same as second lieutenants in Vietnam. ~ The Ragman's Son

The older you get, the more awards you get. So, if you live long enough, then you get all the awards eventually.

"United in death, the minister said."
"Superstition."
"It's a nice thought, Spur."
"It's a great comfort to widows and fools. There's more to life than death, Jim."
~ The Man from Snowy River

Virtue is not photogenic. What is it to be a nice guy? To be nothing, that's what. A big fat zero with a smile for everybody.

When a free man dies, he loses the pleasure of life. A slave loses his pain. Death is the only freedom a slave knows. That's why he's not afraid of it. That's why we'll win. ~ Spartacus

When you become a star, you don't change - everyone else does.

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