Humorous Quotes attributed to H.L. Mencken
1880-1956, American Editor, Author, Critic, Humorist

A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there.

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.

A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.

Adultery is the application of democracy to love.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too.

Before a man speaks, it is always safe to assume that he is a fool. After he speaks it is seldom necessary to assume.

Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.

For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong.

I believe in only one thing: liberty; but I do not believe in liberty enough to want to force it upon anyone.

I go on working for the same reason that a hen goes on laying eggs.

I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing.

If I ever marry it will be on a sudden impulse, as a man shoots himself.

Injustice is relatively easy to bear what stings is justice.

It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place.

Life is a constant oscillation between the sharp horns of dilemmas.

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later, for another thing, they die earlier.

On one issue at least, men and women agree; they both distrust women.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.

The chief knowledge that a man gets from reading books is the knowledge that very few of them are worth reading.

The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.

The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.

There is no record in history of a happy philosopher.

Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.

We must respect the other person's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart

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