Humorous Quotes from
400 Traveling Salesmen's Jokes
By Henny Youngman
- With bushel of apples, you can have a hell of a time with the doctor's wife.
- With due respect to old Charlie Darwin, although man has learned enough through evolution to walk in an upright posture, his eyes still swing from limb to limb.
- Many a man has been slapped because his hand was quicker than the aye.
- First prize at a recent costume ball went to a young woman wearing a
maternity jacket over her dress, together with the sign: "I SHOULD HAVE DANCED ALL NIGHT."
- What some young ladies refer to as a diary might be more aptly described as a whodunit.
- The Italian government is installing a clock in the leaning tower of Pisa.
Reason? What good is it if you have the inclination and you don't have the time?
- Some of the best bedtime stories can be found in motel registers.
- A good golfer has to break 80, but a good chorus girl only has to bust 36.
- If, as the scientist say, sex is such a driving force, why is so much of it
nowadays found parked?
- Rules are the means of a girl's assessing which man she likes well enough to break them for.
- Some girls are music lovers. Others can love without it.
- Women are to blame for most of the lying men do. They insist on asking
- Many girls like the quiet things in life - like the folding of a
- Some women can take a man to the cleaners as soon as they spot him.
- The best years of a woman's life are usually counted in man-hours.
- Many a girl is looking for an older man with a strong will - made out to
- Some girls ask the boss for advances on next week's salary. Others ask for salary on next week's advances.
- The man who can read women like a book usually likes to read in bed.
- Whoever it was who first called women the fair sex didn't know much about justice.
- The popular girl is the one who has been weighted in the balance and found wanton.
- There are more important things than money, but they won't date you if you don't have any.
- It's easy to lie with a straight face, but it's nicer to lie with a curved
- When the struggling stenographer quits struggling, she discovers she doesn't have to be a stenographer.
- Girls believe in love at first sight. Men believe in it at first
||Favorite Long Quote/Extract
Moving along a dimly lighted street, a friend of ours was suddenly
approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby.
"Please, sir," asked the stranger, "would you be so kind as to help a poor
unfortunate fellow who is hungry and out of work? All I have in the world is
- Give a man enough rope and he'll claim he's all tied up at the office.
- An engaging, but somewhat vacant, young lady we met recently though vice versa meant dirty poems.
- Some men don't give women a second thought. The first one covers everything.
- One of the oldest, yet most perfect, examples of a redundant expression is the phrase "foolish virgins."
- It's usually a girl's geography that determines her history.
- When a girl is invited to a man's apartment to see his etchings, it's
usually not a standing invitation.
- A used-car dealer tells us that the usual standard sales pitch for a car
that was owned by the little old lady who only used it on Sunday has been replaced by a nymphomaniac who only used the back seat.
- A girl who finds it possible to resist every attempt to seduce her should be going out with stronger men.
- Some people have no respect for age unless it’s bottled.
- This year’s college graduates deserve your sympathy. Almost everywhere they look for work, they run a terrible risk of finding it.
- It’s easy to admire a good loser at a strip poker party.
- A girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away.
- Many an actress’ career begins when she becomes too big for her sweaters and ends when she becomes too big for her britches.
- The gods gave man fire, and he invented fire engines. They gave him love, and he invented marriage.
- As soon as most women have a drink to two, they start looking for a chaser.
- To most modern writers, sex is a novel idea.
- We find ourselves in complete accord with the etiquette expert who says that only well-reared girls should wear slacks.
- When a girl says she’s got a boyish figure, it’s usually straight from the shoulder.
- Sometimes a girl can attract a man by her mind, but more often she can attract him by what she doesn’t mind.
- The dictionary defines both bigamy and marriage as having one wife too many.
- Girls who don’t repulse men’s advances advance men’s pulses.
- After a pleasant picnic in the woods, Mark described his girlfriend as the down-to-earth type.
- To most couples, curbing their emotions means parking.
- A wife made to order can't compare with a ready maid.
- Never pour black coffee into an intoxicated person. If you do, you’ll wind up with a wide-awake drunk on your hands.
- Some men are so interested in their wives’ continued happiness that they hire detectives to find out the reason for it.
- Then there was the fellow who got badly scratched up fighting for his girl’s honor. She wanted to keep it.
- A girl with a well-developed sense of fashion realizes that bare skin never clashes with anything she's wearing.
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