Humorous Quotes from
400 Traveling Salesmen's Jokes
By Henny Youngman

With bushel of apples, you can have a hell of a time with the doctor's wife.

With due respect to old Charlie Darwin, although man has learned enough through evolution to walk in an upright posture, his eyes still swing from limb to limb.

Many a man has been slapped because his hand was quicker than the aye.

First prize at a recent costume ball went to a young woman wearing a maternity jacket over her dress, together with the sign: "I SHOULD HAVE DANCED ALL NIGHT."

What some young ladies refer to as a diary might be more aptly described as a whodunit.

The Italian government is installing a clock in the leaning tower of Pisa. Reason? What good is it if you have the inclination and you don't have the time?

Some of the best bedtime stories can be found in motel registers.

A good golfer has to break 80, but a good chorus girl only has to bust 36.

If, as the scientist say, sex is such a driving force, why is so much of it nowadays found parked?

Rules are the means of a girl's assessing which man she likes well enough to break them for.

Some girls are music lovers. Others can love without it.

Women are to blame for most of the lying men do. They insist on asking questions.

Many girls like the quiet things in life - like the folding of a hundred-dollar bill.

Some women can take a man to the cleaners as soon as they spot him.

The best years of a woman's life are usually counted in man-hours.

Many a girl is looking for an older man with a strong will - made out to her.

Some girls ask the boss for advances on next week's salary. Others ask for salary on next week's advances.

The man who can read women like a book usually likes to read in bed.

Whoever it was who first called women the fair sex didn't know much about justice.

The popular girl is the one who has been weighted in the balance and found wanton.

There are more important things than money, but they won't date you if you don't have any.

It's easy to lie with a straight face, but it's nicer to lie with a curved body.

When the struggling stenographer quits struggling, she discovers she doesn't have to be a stenographer.

Girls believe in love at first sight. Men believe in it at first opportunity.

Favorite Long Quote/Extract
Moving along a dimly lighted street, a friend of ours was suddenly approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby. "Please, sir," asked the stranger, "would you be so kind as to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and out of work? All I have in the world is this gun."

Give a man enough rope and he'll claim he's all tied up at the office.

An engaging, but somewhat vacant, young lady we met recently though vice versa meant dirty poems.

Some men don't give women a second thought. The first one covers everything.

One of the oldest, yet most perfect, examples of a redundant expression is the phrase "foolish virgins."

It's usually a girl's geography that determines her history.

When a girl is invited to a man's apartment to see his etchings, it's usually not a standing invitation.

A used-car dealer tells us that the usual standard sales pitch for a car that was owned by the little old lady who only used it on Sunday has been replaced by a nymphomaniac who only used the back seat.

A girl who finds it possible to resist every attempt to seduce her should be going out with stronger men.

Some people have no respect for age unless it’s bottled.

This year’s college graduates deserve your sympathy. Almost everywhere they look for work, they run a terrible risk of finding it.

It’s easy to admire a good loser at a strip poker party.

A girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away.

Many an actress’ career begins when she becomes too big for her sweaters and ends when she becomes too big for her britches.

The gods gave man fire, and he invented fire engines. They gave him love, and he invented marriage.

As soon as most women have a drink to two, they start looking for a chaser.

To most modern writers, sex is a novel idea.

We find ourselves in complete accord with the etiquette expert who says that only well-reared girls should wear slacks.

When a girl says she’s got a boyish figure, it’s usually straight from the shoulder.

Sometimes a girl can attract a man by her mind, but more often she can attract him by what she doesn’t mind.

The dictionary defines both bigamy and marriage as having one wife too many.

Girls who don’t repulse men’s advances advance men’s pulses.

After a pleasant picnic in the woods, Mark described his girlfriend as the down-to-earth type.

To most couples, curbing their emotions means parking.

A wife made to order can't compare with a ready maid.

Never pour black coffee into an intoxicated person. If you do, you’ll wind up with a wide-awake drunk on your hands.

Some men are so interested in their wives’ continued happiness that they hire detectives to find out the reason for it.

Then there was the fellow who got badly scratched up fighting for his girl’s honor. She wanted to keep it.

A girl with a well-developed sense of fashion realizes that bare skin never clashes with anything she's wearing.

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