Humorous Quotes from
Marx Brothers' Duck Soup

Margaret Dumont: As chairwoman of the reception committee, I welcome you with open arms.
Groucho: Is that so? How late do you stay open?

Groucho: You can leave in taxi. If you can't leave in taxi you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.

Groucho: You haven't stopped talking since I came here! You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle!

Groucho: Will you marry me? Did he leave you any money? Answer the second question first.

Groucho: Don't look now, but there's one man too many in this room and I think it's you.

Groucho: I could dance with you till the cows come home. On second thoughts, I'd rather dance with the cows till you came home.

Margaret Dumont: Notables from every country are gathered here in your honour. This is a gala day for you.
Groucho: Well, a gal a day is enough for me. I don't think I could handle any more.

Groucho: If you think this country's bad off now, just wait till I get through with it.

Chico: My partner - he's got a nose just like a bloodhound ... and the rest of his face don't look so good either.

Groucho: Why, a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head or tail out of it.

Edwin Maxwell : Sir, you try my patience!
Groucho: I don't mind if you do. You must come over and try mine some time.

Edgar Kennedy: I'll teach you to kick me!
Chico: You don't have to teach me. I know how.

Groucho: Do you want to be a public nuisance?
Chico: Sure. How much does the job pay?

Groucho: You give up that silly peanut stand and I'll get you a soft government job. Now, let's see . . . How would you like a job in the mint?
Chico: Mint? No, no, I no like-a mint. Uh . . . what other flavour you got?

Louis Calhern: I am willing to do anything to prevent this war.
Groucho: It's too late. I've already paid a month's rent on the battlefield.

Chico: Well, who you gonna believe, me or your own eyes?

Prosecutor: When were you born?
Chico: I don't remember. I was just a little baby.

Groucho: Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

Zeppo: General Smith reports a gas attack. He wants to know what to do.
Groucho: Tell him to take a teaspoonful of bicarbonate in half a glass of water.

Groucho: Do you realize our army's facing disastrous defeat? What do you intend to do about it?
Chico: I've done it already.
Groucho: You've done what?
Chico: I've changed to the other side.

Chico: I wouldn't go out there unless I was in one of those big iron things go up and down like this. What do you call those things?
Groucho: Tanks.
Chico: You're welcome.

Groucho: Remember you're fighting for this woman's honor - which is probably more than she ever did.

Groucho: Rush to Freedonia. Three men and one woman are trapped in a building. Send help at once. If you can't send help, send two more women.

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