Humorous Quotes attributed to Drew Carey
1958- , American Comedian, TV Star

Every election I have to hold my nose to vote. (Dirty Jokes and Beer)

Hey, can we take a picture of you guys for our dart board? (Dirty Jokes and Beer)

Hey, don't waste cheese. If you're going to waste food, throw a vegetable. (Drew Carey Show)

Hey, here's a tip for you: The next time you have the world by the balls, don't twist them. (Dirty Jokes and Beer)

I always get screwed by the system. That's my place in the universe. I'm the system's bitch. (Drew Carey Show)

I like to think of my house as nothing more than a glorified console for my television; the ultimate stereo cabinet. (Dirty Jokes and Beer)

I'm Drew Carey, and just like the Muppets, I've got someone's hand up my butt. (Whose line is it anyway?)

I think that if anyone bothered to take a survey, they would find a sharp decline in atheism during the winters in Cleveland, Ohio. (Dirty Jokes and Beer)

I took another swig of brain-cell-be-gone and tried to act calm. (Dirty Jokes and Beer)

If frogs could fly... well we'd still be in this mess, but wouldn't it be neat? (Drew Carey Show)

If you want to play the "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" home game, just send us a million dollars, and we'll send you a desk and four stools. (Whose line is it anyway?)

In any other job, they're truck drivers. In show-biz, they're "Transportation Captains." (Dirty Jokes and Beer)

It isn`t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

Just because a guy has a shaved head, pierced nipples, and doesn't have sex with women doesn't make him gay. It just makes him down on his luck. (Dirty Jokes and Beer)

Man, what a rough night I had. My inflatable girlfriend ran off with my air matress. (Whose line is it anyway?)

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar. (Drew Carey Show)

The difference between Las Vegas and Atlantic City is the difference between getting conned by a beautiful call girl and getting mugged by a crack head. (Dirty Jokes and Beer)

The only way I'd need a pain reliever to enjoy sex is if all of my fantasies came true at the same time. (Dirty Jokes and Beer)

They (people in New Orleans) never said "no," unless the question was, "Are you ready to stop partying and go home?" (Dirty Jokes and Beer)

[to Mimi] Bing... Bam... Boom: the sound three mirrors make when you look at them. (Drew Carey Show)

Welcome to 'Who's Line Is It Anyway' the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right the points are just like Canada.
... That's right the points are just like a hat in an orgy.
... The points don't matter just like Jerry Springer's final thought.
... That's right the points are just like the police department in Columbia.
... That's right the points are just like deoderant to a cab driver.
... That's right the points are just like the salad bar at a strip club.
... That's right the points are just like the plot in a lesbian prison movie.
... That's right the points are just like street signs to a cab driver.
... That's right the points are just like the plot in 'Mission Impossible 2'.
... That's right the points are just like when I say 'I Love You' when I'm drunk.
... That's right the points are just like the credits in a porno movie.
(Whose line is it anyway?)

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither!

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