Humorous Quotes from
Don't Shoot, It's only Me (Cont.)
By Bob Hope

Adolf Hitler :

Soon the only thing funny about Schicklgruber was that little moustache, which made him look like Charlie Chaplin in The Great Dictator.

When Hitler talks to himself, it's a cabinet meeting.

He had a voice that sounded like Louis Armstrong shouting German from the bottom of a gravel pit.

Adolf Hitler was also becoming a headliner that summer. He played France, Greece, Yugoslavia, and Eva Braun. None of them could resist him.

This is Bob 'Command Performance' Hope, telling all you soldiers, sailors, and marines that although Johnny Doughboy found a rose in Ireland, what he really wants in that stinkweed in Berlin.

The British had broken Schicklgruber's top military cipher and knew where all his submarines and tanks were and what he did after lunch with Eva Braun.

It would take almost a year of fierce air, tank, and infantry battles before it was all over and Schickgruber took his own life, which by that time nobody else wanted.

Barney Dean :

Barney once got stopped for jaywalking in Beverly Hills and apologized: "I'm sorry, officer. How fast was I doing?"

The Beatles :

They came from England by plane and were forty pounds overweight, and that was just their hair.

Bing Crosby :

Bing was always throwing me to cannibals or selling me to Arabs, and otherwise endearing himself to the American public.

How could I fail to have a warm spot in my heart for a fellow who sold me into slavery to Dorothy Lamour?

Dwight D. Eisenhower :

It's hard to play a guy who rattles his medals while you're putting . . .

Ike was at the peak of his popularity. He had had a rematch with Adlai Stevenson and won by an electoral vote of 457 to 73. The campaign was as exciting as sitting around watching concrete harden.

And sometimes Ike cooks. I once played nine holes with one of his meatballs.

In 1958, he sent U.S. marines into Lebanon to restore order, and they did. We didn't realize how much of a miracle that was at the time. It was like telling your mother-in-law to shut up and having her listen.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt :

When that strong voice boomed, "We have nothing to fear but fear itself," we were all too frightened to contradict him.

General Douglas MacArthur :

Colone Leyden, the Special Services officer assigned to see we didn't escape, stood up in our plane and announced, "You're now in General MacArthur's command, the best damn command in the world. From now on, you're going to be treated like VIPs. Your rooms will have the smallest rats."

General Jimmy Doolittle :

You all know General Doolittle. He has a better war record than Warner Brothers.

He’s all Air Force. He wasn’t born. He was built by Boeing.

Once, when his tail gunner yelled, 'Zeroes at eleven o'clock!' he said, 'What are you worried about? It's only eight-thirty.

He's been decorated more times than Elizabeth Taylor's finger.

He made sure they had my blood type around, even if he had to kill the chicken himself.

George Burns :

When George was honored by Ronald Reagan in 1988 at the Kennedy Center, I got up to say a few words: "When I was little I was brought up to respect God and the President of the United States. I never thought I'd see them sitting together in the same box."

We all really believe George could be God. He has the right attitude, the right combination of love, modesty, hope, cynicism, and old cigars. When he says, "When I created the world, I made only one mistake. Avocados. I made the pits too large," we believe him. We know God must be truly great to admit to such a foolish error. And if God is truly great, He could easily be George.

George is what vaudeville was all about. When he walked out in the spotlight, you could feel the electricity between him and the audience. Of course, when he first walked out on a vaudeville stage, only George and Benjamin Franklin knew what electricity was.

That reminds me of the joke about the George Burns doll - you wind it up and it takes a nap.

George C. Scott :

In 1971 George C. Scott was awarded the Academy Award for Patton and refused to accept it. Imagine refusing the Oscar. That's like turning down the male lead in Deep Throat because you can't stand drafts.

George Washington :

The first presidential joke I ever told was about George Washington: George told his father, 'I cannot tell a lie.' I don't know how he ever made it in politics.

Gerald Ford :

I love playing golf with Jerry Ford. If you beat him, he pardons you. . .

Grouch Marx :

Seldom is the word "genius" used to describe a comedian, especially by another comedian, but to me, Julius [Groucho] Marx was just that. The grease moustache, the huge cigar, the loping walk, the utter disregard for female sensitivities, and the puncturing of all the phonies in the entire world set Groucho and his style apart from every other ordinary mortal. He was outrageous, brilliant, savage, insulting, and hilarious at the same time.

Hedda Hooper :

Hedda always wore outrageous hats. You had the feeling if she tied one under her chin and ran down the runway, she could take off all by herself.

Ivan the Terrible :

When St. Basil's was finished, he had his enemies locked in cages in front of it and set them on fire. It's said that's how shish kebab was invented.

John F Kennedy :

Over the years, I didn't get as many honorary degrees as Kennedy did, but then my father didn't own most of the colleges.

He served milk at a cabinet meeting, but it didn't turn out too well. They spent a half hour just burping each other.

A few months ago Kennedy's mother said 'You have a choice. Do you want to got to camp this year or run for President.

I liked giving youth a chance, but did we really want a President who rode for half fare on the bus?

Joseph Stalin :

Uncle Joe Stalin didn't like that arrangement. And he wasn't going to let anything as foolish as a treaty he had signed stand in his way.

Long lines of Russian people shivered in the freezing cold, lines eight abreast and a mile long, waiting to get in to view his body, possibly to make sure he was really dead.

King Bhumibol :

King Bhumibol had been born at Harvard, while his father was a student there. Presumably his mother was in the neighborhood, too. Being born in the U.S. made him eligible to be President of the United States, but he was looking for a steadier job.

I could understand why for the first time in history, a king of Siam renounced polygamy and limited himself to one wife instead of the six he was entitled to. It gave him time to practice his saxophone.

Lawrence Olivier :

Lawrence Olivier won the Academy Award for Hamlet. I was going to protest, until someone pointed out the writer didn't complain, and he didn't even get a nomination.

Mikhail Gorbachev :

Gorbachev has opted for a kinder, gentler Russia. He's made sure of it. He watered down the vodka.

Everything Reagan does, Gorbachev does him one better. Reagan wears the flag of his country on his lapel. Gorby wears the map of his country on his forehead.

Neville Chamberlain :

The feeling in England was that although Chamberlain carried an umbrella just like Mary Poppins, Mary was much tougher than Neville turned out to be.

Nikita Khrushchev :

Khrushchev had statues of Stalin torn down in every city in the country, which left a lot of Russian pigeons with nothing to do all day.

The workers love Khrushchev very much. He hasn't got an enemy in the entire country. Quite a few under it.

Following doctor's orders, Nikita has cut his drinking in half; he's cut out the water.

They fired Khrushchev because his agricultural plan failed. None of the people he planted came up.

Ronald Reagan :

Did you see where President Reagan finally got a hearing aid? People have been telling him to get one for years, but he couldn't hear them.

Not that they were that anxious to see Ronnie as President; they were afraid if he didn't get elected, he'd go back to acting.

Senator Joseph McCarthy :

I have it on good authority that Senator McCarthy is going to disclose the names of two millions more Communists. He just go his hands on a Moscow telephone book.

Thomas Jefferson :

Thomas Jefferson called the presidency a splendid misery. 'Splendid misery.' That's like watching your mother-in-law drive off a cliff in your new Chrysler.

Winston Churchill :

Well, here I am in good old Jolly. You know, England- that's the place Churchill visits when he leaves America.

Zsa Zsa Gabor :

Zsa Zsa got married again. I think that's great. Everybody should have a hobby.

Note : More Quotes from the same book
Page 01 http://workinghumor.com/quotes/dontshoot.shtml
Bob Hope on Places http://workinghumor.com/quotes/dontshoot03.shtml

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Humorous Quotes from Don't Shoot, It's only Me (Cont.)By Bob Hope

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Humorous Quotes from
Don't Shoot, It's only Me (Cont.)
By Bob Hope