Humorous Quotes from
Dave Barry hits below the Beltway
By Dave Barry

I have long contended that, however many zillion dollars the federal government costs us, we get it all back and more in the form of quality entertainment.

Washington is a fine city, offering statues, buildings and plenty of culture in the form of Thai restaurants.

An ant colony is every bit as complex and organized as human society. In fact it is more organized, because there are no teenagers.

Ants - tiny creatures with a primitive brain no larger than that of a psychic-hotline caller.

Organizational structures can be found throughout nature: Monkeys form troops, birds form flocks, fish form schools, worms form bunches of worms, intestinal parasites form law firms, etc.

The first humans were short, hairy, tree-dwelling creatures that strongly resembled Danny DeVito.

The first animals to be successfully domesticated were dogs, which were a big help because they would bark all night and fetch thrown sticks, thereby freeing humans from having to perform these tedious yet vital tasks.

An estimated 83 percent of the population lived on farms.*
* Source : an unusually vivid dream

What the Founding Fathers were saying basically was : "Why should we let people over in England saddle us with an unresponsive government and stupid laws? We can create our own!"

The colonists were at last free to form a new nation, which they decided to name "The United States of America" in recognition of the fact that "Luxembourg" was taken.

The only way to get elected to Congress is to raise a bunch of campaign money, and pretty much the only way to do that is to already be a member of Congress.

Even if the entire District of Columbia were transformed into a gigantic two-mile-deep hole, taxpayers would be required to stand around the edge and throw money into the smoking cavity.

We should learn to view the federal government as entertainment - a comedy extravaganza.

As a student visiting the capital, you also learn many important educational lessons such as - How to moon pedestrians from a moving bus.

L'Enfant envisioned a city with streets that formed a logical, easy-to-understand grid pattern. But then he drank two quarts of corn liquor and laid out the present-day Washington.

The streets of Washington were full of potholes, which today are painstakingly maintained in their original condition by the Department of Historic Pot-hole Preservation.

After the war, Prohibition was passed, and with liquor no longer legally available the nation plunged headlong into the Great Depression.

The vast majority of lawyers are responsible professionals as well as, in many ways, human beings.

The Pentagon boasts more than seventeen miles of corridors; there are people wandering around here still trying to deliver urgent memos pertaining to the Normandy Invasion.

Over the years the quality of our presidential timber has declined; today we are pretty much satisfied if our president stays out of jail and occasionally emits a complete sentence.

South Florida residents own as many guns as the North Korean army, although ours are generally of a higher caliber.

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