Humorous Quotes from
Aunt Erma's Cope Book
By Erma Bombeck

My husband’s infatuation with Angie Dickinson had wound down and I noted the same ecstasy he used to reserve for her pictures now appeared in his face whenever his soup was hot.

My husband disliked parties. He called them the Varicose Olympics.

I don’t like to talk about me in front of myself. It’s embarrassing.

I eased away and observed my husband across the room. For a man going through his metallic age (silver hair, gold teeth, and lead bottom) he did cut quite a figure.

The kids fanned in and out like a revolving door. The only way you could get them to turn their stereos down was to tell them you could hear the words.

We must have seemed weird in a world where young people met in a line to see Superman, made a commitment to one another by the intermission, and dissolved the relationship between ordering a pizza and picking it up.

No one can stamp out football. It’s like head colds and Doris Day. . . it will be with us always, whether we go or not.

(about a soap opera) Of course it was pure fiction. I mean, where else could you see a man who told his wife he loved her. . . with the lights on?

My children dominated my buying habits and I knew it. They could sing beer commercials before their eyes could focus.

If there’s anything my life had been, it had been predictable. You could set your clock by it. Acne at twelve, marriage at twenty-two, labor pains at twenty-six, Miss Clairol at thirty, Sara Lee at thirty-five, and turtleneck sweaters at forty.

It was obvious. I was late for my crisis and it had started without me.

A few days later I saw Barfy in the supermarket. She had that pregnant stance, like a kangaroo wearing earth shoes.

The fact was that I didn't want to look my age, but I didn't want to act the age I wanted to look either.

Ever since I read that Eva Braun (Hitler’s mistress), Judas Iscariot, and Anne Boleyn shared my zodiac sign, I could never get too chocked up about Astrology.

My sun never rose on my sign. My planets were always conspiring behind my back. And my destiny always read like it had been out in the natal sun too long.

I had never meditated. Oh, once when I paid thirty dollars for a Halston scarf I slipped into a slight hypnotic state. But...

It was time to get off my cusp and start controlling my own life. I was going to have inner peace if I had to break a few heads to do it.

It became apparent to me long ago that if God had wanted me to play tennis, He would have given me less leg and more room to store the ball.

I watched the joggers every morning from my kitchen window. They looked like an organized death march as they ran by gasping, perspiring, stumbling, their faces contorted with pain.

He continued to run every day and brag about his jogger’s elbow (which he got when he sideswiped a stop sign at an intersection).

Louise Cremshaw! We used to follow her around for shade.

There was no one there who weighed over nine pounds. I felt like stretch marks at a Miss America pageant.

The T-shirt craze had clearly gotten out of hand. In one day alone I encountered three propositions, four declarations, two obscene suggestions, and a word so bad I stopped the car and threw a blanket over the girl’s chest.

Women who crossed their legs in cold weather were announcing they wanted attention. In hot weather, they were bragging.

They (the kids) drove me crazy trying out their latest in parent-psychology techniques.

I feverishly thumbed my way to a chapter on “Growing Up.” It said when we can stand alone without leaning on our children, we have indeed reached the age of independence.

Smokers who blow smoke in my face will learn firsthand (within minutes actually) how injurious smoking can be to their health.

Stella had made the transition from the utility room to the board room as easily as napping during a piano recital.

I rarely saw Kathy any more. She lived by a timetable. Even her headaches were scheduled.

From here on in, my life is going to be orderly. I'm going to think before I talk; plan before I act; act before I procrastinate.

I figured our long ago that guilt was like mothers. Everyone in the world had at least one.

What better way to understand today’s young people than to spend an evening with them. It’s logic like that that fills nursing homes.

You may dance if you like but know that the current craze is disco and if you do not have a flight plan filed, you could hurt yourself.

I discovered things had changed since Amy Vanderbilt recommended shaking hands with your gloves on until your engagement had been formally announced.

My husband hated cocktail parties. He said people drank too much and it was like talking to a traffic light. . . a blinking red eye, and in five second they sped off to another corner.

We had just gotten a letter from our younger son at school (Mom was spelled with two o’s, but what the heck, he was only a freshman.

It’s easy to sit around and just let things happen, but the bottom line is groping! How can you be happy if you're not miserable?

Our forefathers didn’t know what they were laying on us when they penned the Declaration of Independence. Life and Liberty were pieces of cake compared to the Pursuit of Happiness.

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Humorous Quotes from Aunt Erma's Cope BookBy Erma Bombeck

Have you checked out this super book? Click Here

www.jkjquotes.com

Have you checked out this super book? Click Here

Humorous Quotes from
Aunt Erma's Cope Book
By Erma Bombeck

Have you checked out
this super book?

Click Here

Have you checked out
this super book?

Click Here