Humorous Quotes from
Cindy and I
By Joey Adams
Note : All the quotes without attribution on this page are by Joey Adams.
- My cover girl is 5 feet, 3 ½ inches, weighs 110 pounds – with full make-up, 125 pounds.
- I finally discovered why she never shuts her mouth: her hair is too tight!
- She creams her hands to keep them soft, oils her eyelids to prevent
wrinkles, puts salve on her skin to keep it supple and lotion on her lips so they’ll stay kissable. This may be good for her complexion, but she keeps slipping out of bed!
- Cindy never wears one necklace when three will do.
- My wife’s idea of housecleaning is to sweep the room with a glance.
Homemaking is not her specialty. She needs a diagram to unwrap soap.
- In the middle of my act, there was a commotion at ringside. Some big shot-at hoodlums were trying to drink themselves sober.
- In 1955, he received the “Show Business” award for his contribution to the entertainment world. There are those who say he should have received it in ’52. That’s when he married me and took me out of the business! ~ Cindy
- The Benefit Boy has plaques from every organization you can mention and from a couple you can't mention. He even has some from organizations that haven’t been organized yet. ~ Cindy
- He’s so unhandy he needs a blueprint to open the window and an engineer to help him get the toothbrush out of the holder. ~ Cindy
- For the last three years never an angry word comes out of our apartment; we’ve soundproofed the walls! ~ Cindy
- Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take in
- Never interrupt your wife when she’s talking. Remember marriage is a business where the husband is a silent partner.
- (At my wedding party) I drank to the health of so many people, I nearly ruined my own.
- Eddie Davis helped put my name in the papers when I couldn’t afford to have it in the telephone directory.
- We hired two taxis. One for the luggage and one for the dear wife and myself. After looking at the cargo in both cabs, Cindy decided to go with the luggage.
- They belonged to a prim and prissy little woman whose neckline was so high she had no mouth at all.
- I called the stewardess for my Dramamine and swilled it down with some champagne. After two more Dramamines and six more drinks, I was now flying ahead of the plane.
- The only shows I'm interested in are the ones in the Place Pigalle, where I hear the girls walk around barefoot up to the chin.
- I have very few idiosyncrasies. One of my idiosyncrasies is that I believe I have very few idiosyncrasies.
- We circled around Place Pigalle and were confronted with more sin salesmen per block than there are in all the Phenix Cities in the world put together. They offered to sell or rent us anything from dames to dope. If you're in a hurry, they'll even give you a doped-up dame. Anything at a price.
- I agree with you, old girl, that gazing at one nude woman may be considered cheating but if you gaze at a lotta nude women, that’s research.
- They have only one show a night in these places, but it lasts all night. As we sat down, the girls came out. They were nude from the waist up . . . and down! There were 24 girls. I know because I counted and divided by two.
- Now I know why they call ‘em showgirls. They show everything but their feelings. ~ Cindy
- At the Naturiste there was a small cover – on the table, not on the girls.
- Who’s interested in statues anyway, except maybe a pigeon?
- I can't understand Cindy’s big excitement about the Eiffel Tower. To me it looks like the Empire State Building after taxes.
- London is great, they tell me. I wouldn’t know. I couldn’t see it through the rain and fog.
- An Englishman without his umbrella is like Churchill without a cigar. It’s jolly well unthinkable, old chap!
- I handed the cabbie a handful of change and he handed me the cab!
- At “Siegi’s,” royalty and show people rub shoulders, but show people being democratic they’ve never complained.
- I realized why the English are big tea drinkers. Just taste their coffee and you’ll see the reason.
- Are those your shoes or did you step in something?
- When Elizabeth II succeeded to the throne of England the reigning joke was, “Big deal: she got the job through relatives."
- We were married only a couple of weeks and already I had her where she wanted me.
- This is a nation of dolls. I've never seen so many gorgeous guys per block in my life. Rome is the greatest place in the world to go on your honeymoon - if you can go alone. ~ Cindy
- The coachman figures tourists are loaded and he’s poor, so he runs a local Robin Hood operation.
- Royalty is as common here as ravioli ad just as easy to make. Dough is the main element for both!
- Royalty can be very expensive, especially if the other fellow goes gin and you're still holding two kings!
- Napoleon said, “An army travels on its stomach.” Who am I to argue with a bust? Especially when he has such great pastry named after him!
- Every place we visited in Europe they talked about their past. They pointed with pride to their statues, museums, works of art. In Rome they showed us their ruins, in Paris their museums and paintings, in London their customs and traditions, but Israel, with the loftiest heritage of all in Biblical history, only talked about a future.
- Shalom means “Hello,” “Goodbye,” “Glad to see you,” “See you soon” and “Peace.” Tommy Manville and Artie Shaw, who, between them, were married about 17 times, could live here a lifetime without learning any other word.
- A couple of his wives were running around serving and replenishing the dishes while he sat like the king that he is. Sheik Seulimann really lives by the sweat of his frau.
- A finger bowl was presented. When I looked in it, I realized it couldn’t be a finger bowl, the water was too dirty. And I was right! It was tea!
- Inside of two weeks. Cindy brought so many new bills to the house, I figured she ought to run for Congress.
- Believe me, money is not the most important thing. It’s just that you need it to get the most important thing.
- The Greek goddess, Betty George, finally took my advice and went on a diet. A word to the wide was sufficient and now she looks great.
- We found Florida beautiful and balmy. I could say the same thing about my wife. The weather was sensational and so were the prices. It takes six days to get a tan; then you get the bill and turn white.
- Harry wears the pants in the family, all right, but Jessie tells him which
ones to put on.
- If I'm just in the vicinity of a bakery and I smell the aroma, I gain
- When Cindy was born she weighed six pounds and she’s been losing steadily ever since.
- They say there’s a new city ordinance (in Las Vegas) which prohibits gaming halls or saloons to be within three blocks of churches. They also say the authorities gave the churches three weeks to move.
- I love Las Vegas. It’s a great town. After all, money isn’t everything. If you stay here long enough it’s nothing.
- I didn’t know they had cops in this town (Las Vegas). What do they need them for? There’s no crime here. Everything’s legal! ~ Cindy
- You couldn’t help bumping into bodies like Dagmar, Jayne Mansfield and Betty George – even though they were across the room at the time.
- Why don’t you boys come up here? There’s always room for one bore. ~ Red Buttons
- This guy’s like a summer cold, we can't lose him! ~ Bob Russell
- Next day she called Cindy. We will not mention what she called Cindy.
- My ambition is to go partners with the genius who has the government contract to sell red tape in Washington.
- Take-off time was 4 P.M. Nonetheless, we were ordered there at 10 A.M. We rushed like mad to arrive in time to do nothing but sit. This was our introduction to the famous armed forces slogan, “Hurry Up and Wait!”
- The only American faces they (Germans) want to see are on the Yankee dollar!
- Until you’ve experienced the electricity of causing an auditorium full of home-starved soldiers to rock a theater with laughter, you’ve never lived!
- I looked out the window and it was a gorgeous day – for ducks. It was raining, as usual.
- Their (German) cars are so low, you don’t get into them, you put them on.
- It is untrue that Germans are bad drivers. They hit everything they aim at.
- We didn’t mind roughing it. We’d been married for almost five years and what could be rougher than that? After all, what’s a mild case of ptomaine when you’ve had a tough case of in-laws?
- If the Greeks are the forerunners of modern civilization, as our history
books tell us, they stopped running a long time ago.
- Even the Turkish coffee turned out to be deadly. If you don’t believe me, make it at home some time. Dig up some dirt from your backyard, add a teaspoonful of mud, a drop of fertilizer, add hot water, presto! – instant Turkish coffee.
- Cindy doesn’t know anything about politics. She wouldn’t know the Republican Party from a surprise party.
- Tripoli is in the kingdom of Libya on the north coast of Africa, which is on the Mediterranean, which is 120 degrees in the shade. We’re no dopes; we sat in the sun.
- After the shows, we lit out for the # 1 entertainment joint in town, the
fabulous Uaddan Casino. It is patronized by rich Arabs, wealthy Italians and broke G.I.s.
- The garb for a Libyan Arab is the barracan, which resembles a sack after the potatoes have been dumped. This is loosely and expertly wrapped around both the men and the women. Here you can't tell a girl from a boy without a search warrant.
- I think anyone who goes to sleep one night and gets up the next is mad. As far as I'm concerned, people who hit the sack at 10 P.M. are wasting the best part of the day. I like to get up the same day I go to sleep.
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