Humorous Quotes from
If you can't live without me,
why aren't you dead yet
By Cynthia Heimel

It occurs to me in a blinding flash of insight that all movies and TV shows are derivations of the shows that preceded them, they are almost the same but watered-down, not as good. Then I remember I had the same exact thought, only better, three years ago.

Contrary to popular opinion, clothes are not for warmth, not for modesty. If we didn’t have clothes, we’d have to wear signboards saying, say, “Hello, I’m a radical lesbian mother with a Stalinist streak,” or “Hello, I prefer you to think I’m athletic.”

The media know exactly what they’re doing, focusing our attention on Arsenio’s hairdo. We need to keep our brains brimming with rubbish. If we didn’t, we might think about things.

If we had lives even vaguely free from marauding horrors if we had any sort of lives at all, if any of us even had a meager chance of personal fulfillment or (ha ha) happiness, if we even had a small notion that we had control over our own destinies, we wouldn’t give a shit whether Cybill Shepherd lived or died. But we don’t, so we do.

When God wants to play a really rotten practical joke on you he grants you your deepest wish and then giggles when you suddenly realize you want to kill yourself.

At the church supper all the women, who two years ago appeared happily in pastel-hued slacks or gingham dresses, were in knockoffs of knockoffs of knockoffs of Donna Karan.

Scientific studies have shown that if a generation has no passion for shoes, it is dead from the neck down.

...soon after you’ll make trucks full of money, your grandchildren will be able to become full-time heroin addicts from this money.

In New York we have streets exploding and innocent Buddhist girls being stabbed in the neck and cabdrivers refusing to help her. If we happen into a nightclub by mistake, when we leave the doorman will be lying in the street surrounded by police.

I have never met a sensitive guy. I mean really, no-kidding-around sensitive. Guys are just too straightforward. They call a spade a spade, and think it really is a spade. They never seem to grasp the concept of nuance, of detail.

There are twenty-five women in this room and fifty facelifts,” said Patti.

Look how far we’ve come. It used to be that the woman would just swoon and then be rescued by a man. Now a woman comes out from performing heart-replacement surgery, swoons, and is rescued by a man.

Women are never allowed to have adventures. When I was growing up, the only girl on TV I could identify with was Lassie. She got to run around and do things.

If you live in England and happen to have PMS when you commit a murder, you can be acquitted. England is a very enlightened country.

The buying of unfortunately colored boots is the biggest symptom of PMS.

She’s got a boyfriend. And a very nice boyfriend, cute and smart and almost solvent.

We’re only human. And being human means being an animal. And being an animal means that when another animal gets something we want, whether it be a big bone or a big boner, we have this enormous need to rip her throat out.

My new rule is to never believe a person is interested until you feel his tongue down your throat.

Every time I’ve had my heart broken, the next two years are riddled with dreams of knights in shining leather.

Everybody knows that men are not just another sex, they are another species.

In Manhattan, marriage is a trend. Couples kiss over their arugula and radicchio salads. They fondle each other’s genitals while devouring their pasta puttanesca. By the time the tiramisu arrives, they’ve slid under the table.

I feel left out. I want to be an asshole like everyone else.

“Instead of watching that (a porn movie), I’d buy this,” he said, holding up Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit issue.
“That’s a healthy attitude,” said Cleo. “It’ll make you want girls you can never have in a million years.”

Turn this off. I don’t want to see a movie more boring than my own life.

Pity the poor infant. Born perfect into the world from imperfect parents.

Hoo boy, am I drunk. It is like –Jeez, I am plastered! – three o’clock in the morning and life is beautiful. I mean, you should see the sky out there, black as f***ing ink, murky as sh*t, gorgeous.

I remember the day we were hanging around the band’s commune and Roger came in with the press kit for a rock band (Moby Grape) any of us had ever seen. It looked psychedelic, yet it was done by ad people. I believe the word “hype” was coined on that very day.

Drugs. I miss them. I miss feeling good for no reason.

Maybe this has happened to you: You're demented-in-love, you spend too long finding out it will never work. Then you spend an equally long time feeling like a plant that has been bending one way toward the sun, but the light-source has changed, now it’s time to start growing upright again.

Barbados is just off Trinidad, near the equator, the heat is so thick you feel as if you're being ironed.

The last thing I wanted was the tension to ooze from my body, since it was holding me together.

(At the wedding) the men in their penguin suits hovered around.

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