Jest for Pun - Archives

3rd March 2002

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We were making love in the back of a truck
and we got carried away!
(Spike Milligan)
^^^^^^^^^

Not so Punny News !

Hi Friends,

Spike Milligan, The last of the goons, The author of 'Adolf Hitler - My Part in his Downfall', 'A book of Milliganimals' and over 50 other titles and one of my favorite 'nutty stuff' writers passed away this week, on Feb 27th at the age of 83.

While going through the tributes to him, I noticed a paragraph in the BBC press tributes page which mentioned "His greatest fear was that his passions and adventures would 
be condensed into an obituary that merely read: 'He wrote The Goon Show and died."

While a tribute in Jest for Pun, would hardly have given him the same kind of pleasure as the 7 pages he got in The Sun, the least we can do is have an issue dedicated to him and enjoy extracts from his books and share some of his poems. (I've never yet had a chance to see any of his movies or TV shows!). So here we go.......   

Pun with Hitler!

Hitlergram No 0915-46

The scene : A mixed NAAFI. Tunis

HITLER : For vy are zer British Tommy Atkins always making mit zer moaning?

TOMMY ATKINS : It's this bleedin' crappy war.

HITLER : How dare you say zat mein war is crappy! Zis is zer best var you have had for twenty years! Soon it will be as good as World War One, und I will be in zer Guinness Book of Records! You little Tommy Atkins Creep! Vot did your life consist of pefore eh?
Porridge, half pint warm sticky beer, Anton Walbrook in Dangerous Moonlight mit zer bloody awful Varsaw Concerto. Two pounds ten shillings unt one shag a veek! Vid zat vife vid a face like ein chickens arse!

TOMMY ATKINS : You started it all.

HITLER : Me? you declared var on us! you cock-a-nee creep.

TOMMY ATKINS : That's because you kicked the shit out of the Poles.

HITLER : Everybody kicks shit out of zer Poles, zat is what zey are zere for.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I got the BBC News. 'Axis are bottled up in Cap Bon'.
If the BBC but knew, we were all bottled up. We sang:

'We were drunk last night,
We were drunk the night before,
We are going to get drunk tonight
If we never get drunk any more,
The merrier we shall be
For we are the boys of the Royal Artillery.'

(Both from Monty - His Part in my Victory)

===============================
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What did Hitler in....

Conversation :

"Oi! Where yew goin'? It ain't a girls' school no more."
"Isn't it? Never mind I'll join the Regiment instead"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I suppose, you know you are three months late arriving?"
"I'll make up for it sir, I'll fight nights as well!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Can you play 'The Maple Leaf Forever'?"
"No sir, after an hour I get tired."
~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Radio Conversation :

"You're very faint. Over."
"It's the food sir. Over."
~~~~~~~~~~~

Jokes : 

He told me a story about Jesus College, Cambridge.
It was Christmas morning, the phone rang in the 
gate porter's lodge.
"Hello" said the porter.
"Is that Jesus?" asked a donnish voice.
"Yes."
The voice sang "Happy Birthday to you"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And Worse :

Apples be ripe
Nuts be brown
Petticoats up
Trousers down
(Old Sussex Folk Song)

(Bits from 'Adolf Hitler - My Part in His Downfall'
Luckily for you I can't include a sample of
the diagrams! :-)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Doing Lady Chatterley:

Her father was Sir Malcolm Reid, once a well known
RA but only once.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Constance and he were attached to each other, they
used a chain.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Name you weapon," said Sir Malcolm.
"I name my weapon Dick," said Clifford.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Her relatives treated her kindly; why they were treating
her puzzled Constance, she wasn't ill.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In a moment of romantic weakness she said to Paddy,
"Is anything worn under the kilt?"
"I'm sorry to disappoint you Constance, but everything
is in working order," he said.
(From Lady Chatterley's Lover according to Spike Milligan)

Short Children's Poems!

Bump
Things that go 'bump' in the night
Should not really give one a fright.
It's the hole in each ear
That lets in the fear,
That, and the absence of light!
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Eels
Eileen Carroll
Had a barrel
Filled with writhing eels
And just for fun
She swallowed one;
Now she knows how it feels
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jumbo Jet
I saw a little elephant standing in my garden,
I said 'You don't belong in here', he said 'I beg you pardon?',
I said 'This place is England, what are you doing here?',
He said 'Ah, then I must be lost' and then 'Oh dear, oh dear'.

'I should be back in Africa, on Serengeti's Plain',
'Pray, where is the nearest station where I can catch a train?'.
He caught the bus to Finchley and then to Mincing lane,
And over the Embankment, where he got lost, again.

The police they put him in a cell, but it was far too small,
So they tied him to a lampost and he slept against the wall.
But as the policemen lay sleeping by the twinkling light of dawn,
The lampost and the wall were there, but the elephant was gone!

So if you see an elephant, in a Jumbo Jet,
You can be sure that Africa's the place he's trying to get!

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More Humorous Verse :

Said Hamlet to Ophelia,
'I'll do a sketch of thee,
What kind of pencil shall I use,
2B or not 2B?'
~~~~~~~~~~~
Doctor Killjoy fell down the well
And he broke his collar bone
Doctors are supposed to treat the sick
And leave the well alone.

Questions, Quistions & Quoshtions

Daddy how does an elephant feel
When he swallows a piece of steel?
Does he get drunk
And fall on his trunk
Or roll down the road like a wheel?

Daddy what would a pelican do
If he swallowed a bottle of glue?
Would his beak get stuck
Would he run out of luck
And lose his job at the zoo?

Son tell me tell me true
If I belted you with a shoe
Would you fall down dead?
Would you go up to bed?
Either of those would do

The Bald Twit Lion !

Once, twice and thrice upon a time, there lived a jungle. It was called the Bozolika Dowser jungle because there was no organisation there but everything worked out perfectly.

This is a hap, hap, happy story about animals. In the middle of the jungle near a village called Pongoland, a big lion called Mr. Gronk had an attack of strongness. He was 21 that day and had been given the key to the jungle. So leaping in the air he gave the biggest loudest roar in the world.

“Roar, roar, roar”, he went. And in fact he roared so loud it loosened all the roots of his hair and tinkle tinkle all his lovely mane fell to the ground plip! plap ! plop! 200,000 times, one for each hair.

Suddenly, Mr. Gronk, the lion saw himself in the daily mirror and Oh! He found that he was now bald. “A bald lion, oh! Dearie me, I’ll be the laughing stock of the hyenas.” So he unroared. ‘Roar, roar, roar,’ he went. But his hairs didn’t go back in. They just lay there smiling up at him. “I look like a bald twit lion”, as a passing hippopotamus said ‘I’m a passing hippopotamus and you, you look like a bald hairless twit lion, Ha! Ha!

When the lion heard that, he got naughty, angry and was just about to give a big ro… Ah! But no, he stopped just in time. He better not roar anymore or something else might fall off. So from then on whenever he was angry, he could only say very quietly ‘Tsu, tsu, tsu’. And there is nothing funnier than a big lion called Mr. Gronk roaring about the jungle going tsu, tsu, and tsu.

The lion was heart broken, but God was watching. He liked lions. So He slid down from heaven on a religious giraffe’s back to the ground.

“And who are you, Sir?” asked the lion.

“I am Mr. God. If you don’t believe me ask me a difficult question”.

“How much is 2 and 2?” asked the lion.

“Four,” said God.

“Oh! Yes, yes, you are God all right”

“Good “ said God. Now close your eyes and say Miggle Miggle cake. The lion did. And when he opened his eyes, God had gone back home but now he had a lovely mane of beautiful black hair and he was so happy that he married a Roman Catholic giraffe 
and lived happily ever after…………….. until the next day.

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The Creation According to the Trade Unions

IN THE BEGINNING GOD CREATED THE HEAVEN 
AND THE EARTH.

2. And darkness was upon the face of the deep; this was due to a malfunction at Lots Road Power Station.

3. And God said, Let their be light; and there was light, but Eastern Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

4. And God saw the light and it was good; He saw the quarterly bill and that was not good;

5. And God called the light Day, and the darkness He called night, and so passed His GCSE.

6. And God said, let there be a firmament and God called the firmament heaven, Freephone 999.

7. And God said, Let the waters be gathered together unto one place, and let dry land appear. And in London it went on the market at six hundred pounds a square foot.

8. And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, and the earth brought forth grass and the Rastafarians smoked it.

9. And God said, Let there be lights in heaven to give light to the earth, and it was so, except in England where there was a heavy cloud and snow on high ground.

10. And God said, Let the seas bring forth that that hath life, flooding the market with fish fingers, fishburgers and grade-three salmon.

11. And God blessed them, saying, be fruitful, multiply, and fill the sea, and let fowl multiply on earth where Prince Charles and Prince Philip would shoot them.

12. And God said, Let the earth bring forth cattle and creeping things, and there came cows, and the BBC Board of Governors.

13. And God said, Let us make man in our own image, but woe many came out like Spitting Image.

14. And He said, Let man have fish, fowl, cattle and every creepy thing that creepeth on the earth.

15. And God said, Behold, I have given you the first of free yielding seed, to you this shall be meat, but to the EC it will be a Beef Mountain.

(From The Bible According to Spike Milligan)

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Links :

The press Tribute I spoke of in the introduction...
http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/entertainment/tv_and_radio/newsid_1846000/1846163.stm 

Other tributes lead by Ol' Charlie
http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/entertainment/tv_and_radio/newsid_1843000/1843963.stm 

The Guardian
http://www.guardian.co.uk/obituaries/story/0,3604,659215,00.html

A good Spike Milligan Site
http://www.fireflycafe.org/spike/index.html
(Not so good on the eyes)

The Spike Milligan group
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/spikemilligan/

Spike Milligan Quotes
http://workinghumor.com/quotes/spike_milligan.shtml